1 Corinthians 6:16-20 (The Message)
16-20There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever——the kind of sex that can never "become one." There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please; squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.
It took me entirely too long to “get”, I mean really get, what the above verses mean and just how intensely important the message its giving us. As I was speaking to the awesome high schoolers from First Baptist in Van Buren last night I told them that I wanted them to “get” it before they left there. I have looked and looked at this passage, especially verse 18. Paul is not merely suggesting that we flee from sexual immorality. He isn’t saying, “hey, it might be a good idea if you stay away from sexual immorality”. He is outright commanding it. He is giving us a very clear warning! There really is no other sin that does to the mind, the body, the soul and the heart what sexual sin does. A year ago I sent out a private message on facebook to about fifty of my high school friends and asked one simple question; did you wait for marriage to have sex? If you did are you glad you waited and if you didn’t do you regret it? Of course the ones who waited did not regret waiting. In fact, they said it was so worth the wait. What broke my heart were the responses of the ones who didn’t wait. The pain, the regret and the shame was still there even after all of these years and that just proves that God is serious about what He tells us about sex outside of marriage. He created it to be an amazing and beautiful thing and it is when it is within the safe boundaries of marriage. Outside of marriage sex is devastating, heart breaking and nothing good. As I spoke last night I searched the faces of each one. I believe God has given me discernment when it comes to reading facial expressions as I speak. I could definitely see that there were some who are still very pure in the eyes of God. But I also saw the faces of a few of the girls and what I saw all over their broken faces was shame, guilt and regret. I saw the hearts of these few as well and what I saw was brokenness. I offered them hope, hope that can only be found in Jesus. I made sure that each one there last night knew and believed that Jesus will absolutely heal their hurting heart and wounded soul and will restore them back to how it was meant to be. God did his thing last night, just as He always does.
With all that said, when I first totally submitted myself to God three years ago, I was really focused on talking to teens but then as I got deeper into the abortion recovery ministry I felt that God no longer wanted me to focus so much on teaching sexual integrity so I somewhat put it on the back burner but now, after this past week, with speaking last night, and starting Chastity Challenge with two girls at the PHC, God is lighting a fire within me for this ministry again. Truth is, it is badly needed. These kids are totally missing a huge picture and its simply because they just don’t know. Why are we not taking the time to talk with them? Why are we not taking the time to show them and educate them? Why are parents so afraid to just be real with their children? These kids just need to be equipped and informed of what it’s all about and as I visit with these teens, especially the girls, well mainly just the girls, I am finding that they simply just don’t understand. They are out there thinking they have it all figured out when in fact they don’t and their spirit is being shattered in the process. Girls want a hero, they want a prince and the fairy tail but what they are not getting is that Jesus is that Hero, He is their Prince. He is all they need and the only Source of love they so desperately want. Instead they keep searching, going from guy to guy, looking for fulfillment that they will not find. So, these are precisely the reasons why I will continue to speak to teenagers whenever I have the opportunity to do so. At first I really didn’t know that I could speak on both abortion recovery and sexual purity but God is helping me to see that with Him in control that all things are possible so I am trusting Him and I will follow Him where ever He leads me.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Search me, God, and know my heart.
Psalm 139:23-24
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
What can I say, I have prayed this A LOT lately and trust me God is searching and He is finding anxiousness and offensiveness in my heart. Satan is throwing situations my way that are frustrating and oh so annoying. Nothing major but in a sense it is major because the enemy is succeeding with his plan to take my focus off of God and the things and people that are most important to me. What’s worse is that I have been allowing this to happen. I was warned of this and I have read over and over again of how the enemy is out to ruin those who are in the ministry. Again it’s nothing major. It’s the little things that irritate me and then after time the irritation gets to a boiling point and before I know it I find myself totally missing opportunities that God lays before me. So here is what I am going to do from this point on; I am going to start each day by asking God to search me and to know my heart and to point out any bitterness within me. Once He searches me and shows me I am then going to lay it before Him and just allow Him to take it off my hands. And through the day should something arise that will no doubt annoy me then I just ask that He will jolt me, with force if needed, before it even gets to that point. There is nothing I want more than for the end of the day to come and hear God whisper to me, “your thoughts and your actions were pleasing to me today daughter, well done”. From this day on, I will no longer allow the actions or the words of my co-workers get to me. I will no longer allow that idiot driver who drives in the slow lane or pulls out in front of me cause me to sin with ungodly thoughts and words. I will no longer allow my 12 year old son (who is just like me by the way) push my buttons to the point I am yelling at him. Is this all going to be hard? Uh, yeah, it is but this is something God has so been convicting me with and I just want my every thought and my every action to please Him and honestly, here lately, He has not been pleased with this daughter. I realize that I am being pretty gutsy by making these declarations and no doubt I will fail at times but this is something God has really been showing me lately and I have to be obedient and I will be obedient.
So as I close, I just encourage anyone who is reading this, do you struggle with this same thing? I pray that you pray the above verses each day and just see what happens.
Until the next post....:)
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
What can I say, I have prayed this A LOT lately and trust me God is searching and He is finding anxiousness and offensiveness in my heart. Satan is throwing situations my way that are frustrating and oh so annoying. Nothing major but in a sense it is major because the enemy is succeeding with his plan to take my focus off of God and the things and people that are most important to me. What’s worse is that I have been allowing this to happen. I was warned of this and I have read over and over again of how the enemy is out to ruin those who are in the ministry. Again it’s nothing major. It’s the little things that irritate me and then after time the irritation gets to a boiling point and before I know it I find myself totally missing opportunities that God lays before me. So here is what I am going to do from this point on; I am going to start each day by asking God to search me and to know my heart and to point out any bitterness within me. Once He searches me and shows me I am then going to lay it before Him and just allow Him to take it off my hands. And through the day should something arise that will no doubt annoy me then I just ask that He will jolt me, with force if needed, before it even gets to that point. There is nothing I want more than for the end of the day to come and hear God whisper to me, “your thoughts and your actions were pleasing to me today daughter, well done”. From this day on, I will no longer allow the actions or the words of my co-workers get to me. I will no longer allow that idiot driver who drives in the slow lane or pulls out in front of me cause me to sin with ungodly thoughts and words. I will no longer allow my 12 year old son (who is just like me by the way) push my buttons to the point I am yelling at him. Is this all going to be hard? Uh, yeah, it is but this is something God has so been convicting me with and I just want my every thought and my every action to please Him and honestly, here lately, He has not been pleased with this daughter. I realize that I am being pretty gutsy by making these declarations and no doubt I will fail at times but this is something God has really been showing me lately and I have to be obedient and I will be obedient.
So as I close, I just encourage anyone who is reading this, do you struggle with this same thing? I pray that you pray the above verses each day and just see what happens.
Until the next post....:)
Monday, January 24, 2011
So I am so overwhelmed with excitement today that I must share!
Yesterday, as most of you know, was Sanctity of Human Life Sunday. I had the opportunity to share my testimony at Evangel Temple in Fort Smith. I shared the pain of my abortion and then shared the freedom I now have because I took Jesus by the hand and allowed Him to carry me through the healing process. I shared last night the significance of the abortion recovery program and how this Bible study is God breathed. I also invited the women of this beautiful church who are in pain from their own abortion to feel free to come speak to me after the service but if that would be too hard for them then to please contact me through the center.
After the service, I was approached by a beautiful daughter of God. With boldness she told me that she needs recovery. PRAISE GOD! She knows God has forgiven her but she is still in pain from her choice. She will be in one of my future groups!
I also received a call Saturday night from a member of 1st Baptist in Van Buren telling me of a young woman who is also hurting from an abortion. I was put in contact with this sweet woman and was able to talk with her about my experience and she shared her pain with me. She is not a believer yet so I was able to share with her who exactly Jesus is and why He was put on this earth. She feels she is unworthy of His love because of what she did. I got to share with her the unconditional love that God has for her and that He sent Jesus to the cross for all sins, including her abortion. His blood, His death is sufficient for ALL who call upon His name and believe. She will also be joining a future “Forgiven & Set Free” study. I just ask for all who are reading this to please lift her up in your daily prayers. Jesus is after her heart and I do believe He is going to get it.
So much is already happening in 2011. I get the privilege of going back to South Side Baptist in Alma this Sunday to share my testimony. Next month I am going back to my home church, First Baptist Van Buren, and will be speaking to the youth. There is just no better place to be than in the will of God. Is it easy for me to tell my story in front of crowds? No, it really isn’t, but I have the Holy Spirit of God who carries me through and amazing things are happening in many lives. I give all the glory to God. I want to leave you with one of my favorite quotes which was given to me by a precious friend when God was working in my life and I was struggling with what He was calling me to do.
“No matter what happens, no matter what obstacle, no matter what challenge, you have a faithful Father who has called you and will enable, equip, and provide you with everything you need to do His will.”
Thank you Michelle, for sharing this with me. It has given me strength, courage and hope more times than I can count. I keep it taped to my computer so I am reminded of this truth every day. Thank you for continuously being a prayer warrior for me.
Yesterday, as most of you know, was Sanctity of Human Life Sunday. I had the opportunity to share my testimony at Evangel Temple in Fort Smith. I shared the pain of my abortion and then shared the freedom I now have because I took Jesus by the hand and allowed Him to carry me through the healing process. I shared last night the significance of the abortion recovery program and how this Bible study is God breathed. I also invited the women of this beautiful church who are in pain from their own abortion to feel free to come speak to me after the service but if that would be too hard for them then to please contact me through the center.
After the service, I was approached by a beautiful daughter of God. With boldness she told me that she needs recovery. PRAISE GOD! She knows God has forgiven her but she is still in pain from her choice. She will be in one of my future groups!
I also received a call Saturday night from a member of 1st Baptist in Van Buren telling me of a young woman who is also hurting from an abortion. I was put in contact with this sweet woman and was able to talk with her about my experience and she shared her pain with me. She is not a believer yet so I was able to share with her who exactly Jesus is and why He was put on this earth. She feels she is unworthy of His love because of what she did. I got to share with her the unconditional love that God has for her and that He sent Jesus to the cross for all sins, including her abortion. His blood, His death is sufficient for ALL who call upon His name and believe. She will also be joining a future “Forgiven & Set Free” study. I just ask for all who are reading this to please lift her up in your daily prayers. Jesus is after her heart and I do believe He is going to get it.
So much is already happening in 2011. I get the privilege of going back to South Side Baptist in Alma this Sunday to share my testimony. Next month I am going back to my home church, First Baptist Van Buren, and will be speaking to the youth. There is just no better place to be than in the will of God. Is it easy for me to tell my story in front of crowds? No, it really isn’t, but I have the Holy Spirit of God who carries me through and amazing things are happening in many lives. I give all the glory to God. I want to leave you with one of my favorite quotes which was given to me by a precious friend when God was working in my life and I was struggling with what He was calling me to do.
“No matter what happens, no matter what obstacle, no matter what challenge, you have a faithful Father who has called you and will enable, equip, and provide you with everything you need to do His will.”
Thank you Michelle, for sharing this with me. It has given me strength, courage and hope more times than I can count. I keep it taped to my computer so I am reminded of this truth every day. Thank you for continuously being a prayer warrior for me.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Sanctity of Life. Then and Now.
I will never forget when I realized the significance and the meaning of Sanctity of Life. It was one day in January of 1991. My mom and I were making a run to the mall and we always took the Grand Ave. exit. As we approached Central Christian Church something caught my eye. Hundreds of crosses littered the property of the church. Then something else caught my eye. It was an explanation as to why the crosses were there. They were placed in the ground to memorialize the babies that were aborted the previous year. It then became painfully clear that one of those crosses represented my baby whose life I chose to end just five months earlier. It was also at that time that I came out of the relief and denial stage of what I had done. Anger set in. Anger at this church for making me feel like I had no heart, anger at the doctor who referred me to the abortion clinic, anger at the abortion clinic for not counseling me or offering an ultra sound so that I could see that there was indeed a life growing inside of me, anger at my parents for not having the faith that we could still make it with a baby, anger at the father for abandoning me and making me feel like I had no choice, but most of all I was angry at myself because in the end the choice was mine. I chose to end the life of my child.
I could have told my parents that I wanted to keep her. I could have ran out of that abortion clinic and never looked back. I could have told that doctor “no thanks” when he gave us the number to the clinic and I could have certainly made it just fine without the father’s support but I didn’t do any of these things and I was left to deal with the consequences of the choice I made. The “what ifs” didn’t matter anymore.
It was on this day that I made a mental note that this was a day that was recognized every year so I made sure the following years to turn my head when driving by this church thinking as long as I didn’t see it then I could pretend it was just another day. I also learned which Sunday my church would be recognizing Sanctity of Life and I would make sure I was sick on that day.
But today I walk in freedom all because of a living Savior. Jesus is my Hero and I am His daughter. A daughter who He loves so much that He shed His blood for me and its that blood that has been washed over me and has cleansed me of my painful choice. Yes, Jesus hung on that cross and died an excruciating death so that I would be forgiven of all my sin, even for choosing to end the life of my unborn daughter. There’s a song out right now by Tenth Avenue North called “You Are More”. The lyrics speak specifically to the women who have made painful choices in their past and it offers hope and redemption through the love of Christ. The following words are my favorite part of the song because I know firsthand that these words stand true.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
you are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
you are more than the problems you create,
you’ve been remade.
I have been remade. God dried my tears and took the broken pieces of my heart and carefully and perfectly mended those pieces into a perfect clean heart with no evidence that it was ever broken
Today when Sanctity of Life comes around I don’t feel pain anymore. Instead I feel His love as He holds me close and I will march on and run the race God has called me to run and I will do this until its completion, whenever that might be.
I could have told my parents that I wanted to keep her. I could have ran out of that abortion clinic and never looked back. I could have told that doctor “no thanks” when he gave us the number to the clinic and I could have certainly made it just fine without the father’s support but I didn’t do any of these things and I was left to deal with the consequences of the choice I made. The “what ifs” didn’t matter anymore.
It was on this day that I made a mental note that this was a day that was recognized every year so I made sure the following years to turn my head when driving by this church thinking as long as I didn’t see it then I could pretend it was just another day. I also learned which Sunday my church would be recognizing Sanctity of Life and I would make sure I was sick on that day.
But today I walk in freedom all because of a living Savior. Jesus is my Hero and I am His daughter. A daughter who He loves so much that He shed His blood for me and its that blood that has been washed over me and has cleansed me of my painful choice. Yes, Jesus hung on that cross and died an excruciating death so that I would be forgiven of all my sin, even for choosing to end the life of my unborn daughter. There’s a song out right now by Tenth Avenue North called “You Are More”. The lyrics speak specifically to the women who have made painful choices in their past and it offers hope and redemption through the love of Christ. The following words are my favorite part of the song because I know firsthand that these words stand true.
'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.
You are more than the choices that you've made,
you are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
you are more than the problems you create,
you’ve been remade.
I have been remade. God dried my tears and took the broken pieces of my heart and carefully and perfectly mended those pieces into a perfect clean heart with no evidence that it was ever broken
Today when Sanctity of Life comes around I don’t feel pain anymore. Instead I feel His love as He holds me close and I will march on and run the race God has called me to run and I will do this until its completion, whenever that might be.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
He will wipe every tear from their eyes.....
So I am literally just a few short weeks away from the first AR group. I have four who will be taking this precious journey with our mighty God and I am praying He might send a few more my way before the Bible study begins. I think about and pray for these four women continuously. My prayer is that they will let God have complete control of their lives through this healing process. I know that with Him in control that the healing they receive will be complete and whole and they will be forever free from the bondage of their abortion.
One of these four just recently became a daughter of God by accepting Jesus Christ as her personal Savior, Rescuer and Hero. I look forward to watching her grow, along with the other women, in her relationship with the King.
Revelation 21:4
4 “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
I think about this verse and to me it’s a perfect verse for this Bible study. I remember Jesus there with me as I did the study and I could feel His presence as He dried my tears and comforted me and told me that I would mourn no more. He reminded me over and over that I no longer had to carry this burden. It was His to carry now. Allowing Him to fully carry it was very difficult for me to do because I had held onto to it for so long and lets face it I am a pretty stubborn person and I don’t give in easily. I also felt that giving it all to Him would make me feel guilty and that I would forget about my child but that’s not what happened at all. I think about her daily but now when I think about her it isn’t with sadness, its with gladness. She loves me and I know she is awaiting my arrival to my eternal home. When I think of her now I see a smiling child. I see happiness. My prayer is that each woman by the end of this journey will experience the ultimate power of God’s grace. The amount of healing they receive depends heavily on the role they allow God to take in their healing. An invitation to Him is required. He is a gentleman and will not force His way in.
With all that said I have to close with a great story. If you have read all of my blog then you saw the portion I wrote about the brick. The one that has Rylee’s name and the year she died etched on it. It was on a Sunday a few months ago that Jared was making plans of outside jobs for the day. He mentioned to me that he was going to work on getting her brick laid. We already had discussed where we were going to place it so I gave him the go ahead to work on it. I had actually planned on helping him but that did not go down as planned. I will remember this day for the rest of my life. A few hours had lapsed since he initially told me he was going to try to place her brick in its final destination and if I am being honest I had forgotten in those few hours. I decided I had better go outside to check on him. I walked across the deck and as I walked down the steps I looked down. My breath was taken away as I studied what I was seeing. Jared had completely cleaned out the little area beside the steps that held mulch, dead flowers (that I had killed) and weeds (that I couldn’t kill) and replaced it with fresh dirt from his tilled up garden site. In the corner laid the brick. He mounted the dirt up in the area of the brick just like we had discussed and he planted the brick where it would be flush with the dirt. As Spring gets closer we will plant little girly flowers around her brick and upon Jareds request we will place a little solar landscape light there so that there is light shining there every second of every day.
Yes, Jared is a strong-willed and stubborn 12 year old boy but he has a heart the size of Texas. He didn’t have to take the time to prepare the place for her brick but he did. That’s just who he is and I know his big sister is very proud of him for this selfless act. Thank you baby boy for all you do.
In closing, I ask that you include these four women in your prayer time. Each of them will be going through a series of emotions for the next 10 weeks. Each will be under attack by the enemy. Each will, at some point, want to bail because they will feel that it is just too much to bear. Please pray that each will remember that Jesus will be there to bear it all for them. This will be a very emotionally, mentally and physically draining time in their life BUT spiritually they will be filled. They will know God in a way they have never imagined. They will see Him in a whole new light. They will feel His love like never before. They will fall in love all over again with their Savior, their Rescuer and their Hero. Oh, how He loves them! They are getting ready to see just how much!
Merry Christmas to you all! May 2011 bring you many blessings!
One of these four just recently became a daughter of God by accepting Jesus Christ as her personal Savior, Rescuer and Hero. I look forward to watching her grow, along with the other women, in her relationship with the King.
Revelation 21:4
4 “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
I think about this verse and to me it’s a perfect verse for this Bible study. I remember Jesus there with me as I did the study and I could feel His presence as He dried my tears and comforted me and told me that I would mourn no more. He reminded me over and over that I no longer had to carry this burden. It was His to carry now. Allowing Him to fully carry it was very difficult for me to do because I had held onto to it for so long and lets face it I am a pretty stubborn person and I don’t give in easily. I also felt that giving it all to Him would make me feel guilty and that I would forget about my child but that’s not what happened at all. I think about her daily but now when I think about her it isn’t with sadness, its with gladness. She loves me and I know she is awaiting my arrival to my eternal home. When I think of her now I see a smiling child. I see happiness. My prayer is that each woman by the end of this journey will experience the ultimate power of God’s grace. The amount of healing they receive depends heavily on the role they allow God to take in their healing. An invitation to Him is required. He is a gentleman and will not force His way in.
With all that said I have to close with a great story. If you have read all of my blog then you saw the portion I wrote about the brick. The one that has Rylee’s name and the year she died etched on it. It was on a Sunday a few months ago that Jared was making plans of outside jobs for the day. He mentioned to me that he was going to work on getting her brick laid. We already had discussed where we were going to place it so I gave him the go ahead to work on it. I had actually planned on helping him but that did not go down as planned. I will remember this day for the rest of my life. A few hours had lapsed since he initially told me he was going to try to place her brick in its final destination and if I am being honest I had forgotten in those few hours. I decided I had better go outside to check on him. I walked across the deck and as I walked down the steps I looked down. My breath was taken away as I studied what I was seeing. Jared had completely cleaned out the little area beside the steps that held mulch, dead flowers (that I had killed) and weeds (that I couldn’t kill) and replaced it with fresh dirt from his tilled up garden site. In the corner laid the brick. He mounted the dirt up in the area of the brick just like we had discussed and he planted the brick where it would be flush with the dirt. As Spring gets closer we will plant little girly flowers around her brick and upon Jareds request we will place a little solar landscape light there so that there is light shining there every second of every day.
Yes, Jared is a strong-willed and stubborn 12 year old boy but he has a heart the size of Texas. He didn’t have to take the time to prepare the place for her brick but he did. That’s just who he is and I know his big sister is very proud of him for this selfless act. Thank you baby boy for all you do.
In closing, I ask that you include these four women in your prayer time. Each of them will be going through a series of emotions for the next 10 weeks. Each will be under attack by the enemy. Each will, at some point, want to bail because they will feel that it is just too much to bear. Please pray that each will remember that Jesus will be there to bear it all for them. This will be a very emotionally, mentally and physically draining time in their life BUT spiritually they will be filled. They will know God in a way they have never imagined. They will see Him in a whole new light. They will feel His love like never before. They will fall in love all over again with their Savior, their Rescuer and their Hero. Oh, how He loves them! They are getting ready to see just how much!
Merry Christmas to you all! May 2011 bring you many blessings!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Sherri's story
When our family went on vacation this past summer we met a beautiful couple who was staying in the condo right behind us. If I am being honest I’m pretty sure we fell in love with their dogs before we fell in love with them. We saw them in passing almost every day as the boardwalk to the beach was in the backyard of where we stayed. One night we all sat on the boardwalk under the beautiful Florida sky and visited until after midnight. What I didn’t know is that God was once again intertwining lives, mine and Sherri’s. All of us who have facebook became friends with each other. I have been in contact with Sherri via facebook and email since our vacation. When I post on my blog I have no idea who will take the time to read it but I do believe that God sees to it that the ones who need to read it will read it. A few nights ago I was on my Itouch and realized that I had not checked my yahoo email in a while. This email account is one of three that I have and it’s the one that gets the most junk mail so I don't check it much. So I bring up my account and start scrolling through all the messages and I come across one that says “a bond we share” and I see the email address and recognize it as Sherri’s address. I opened it and began reading and my heart just sank. I know I did not breathe the whole time I was reading it. When I finished reading it I had to go back and read it again. Her story is one you read only in novels. I emailed her after I read it but told her I had no words. I was just so overwhelmed with emotion that I had to let everything process before I could reply back to her. The next day I came to work and sat at my computer and emailed her. I asked her if she would mind me sharing her story on my blog. She gave me the ok providing I didn’t use her or her husband’s last name or tag her as there are still loved ones who do not know her story.
Sherri, I am still in awe of how awesome our God is and that there are no limits to His grace. Girl, He is going to use you in ways that will blow you away. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for allowing me to share it with others. I know it will touch many lives.
Kristi, You might want to grab a seat...this may be a long one. I read your post on facebook about your blog and have been following it ever since. Needless to say, the tears came quickly when I read your story. You see, mine is much the same. You may or may not remember the night that we were all out on the boardwalk in Florida talking til about midnight...I remember telling everyone that Craig and I were "childhood sweethearts". Well, the story is deeper than that. Much deeper...After reading your blog, I felt the need to share this with you. I hope you don't mind. Craig and I grew up together. We were raised in church together, spent summers playing together, shared our first kiss...We had "dated" off and on thru out high school. I had just started my first year in college and needed to interview his parents for a project in one of my classes. I went over to his house, but his parents weren't home yet. Needless to say, after a couple of years of "a little pressure", I finally gave in. One time. That's all it took. And it changed my life forever. Seven weeks later, scared and uninformed, I ended the pregnancy. My brain remembers little of that time, but my heart recalls easily. From that time on, things changed between me and Craig. There were times that I could barely look at or talk to him. I dated off and on and eventually married a guy I went to high school with. I hadn't told him about the abortion before we were married, and when he found out, he made me tell my parents. It was ugly. Horrible. And during this time i was working in labor and delivery, and had to watch as a 21 week baby died (babies less than 23 weeks typically don't survive) From there, I began to spiral downhill. I spent 2 weeks in the hospital recovering from severe depression and an eating disorder. When I was discharged, my husband had left. I finally began to get things back on track and still spoke to Craig occasionally, but could never see him for long periods of time. During this time, I felt the need to tell Craig's mom what had happened. She was an amazing saint of God and I remember her telling me that I shouldn't have had to go thru that alone. If I had only come to her, things would have been different. If only...I can't tell you how many times I say that to myself, even now.
So, during this time, Craig and I still remained in contact, but I just couldn't bring myself to face what had happened between us. We never spoke about it, and I had never allowed myself forgiveness or true healing. So, I met a surgery resident at the hospital where I work, and after 3 years of dating, we married. (In Seaside) I had told him early in the relationship about my past and he accepted me for what I was. I thought "Finally! I have what I need". Oh, I couldn't have been more wrong. I still hadn't found forgiveness, and my husband didn't believe in God. I began to talk to a few friends about my past, and began to withdraw from my husband. When he told me he was moving to Michigan for a fellowship, I crumbled. How could I leave my family? They were my rock. I couldn't leave the safety of my nest, and I felt so unworthy as a person. I began to make poor choices for myself and by the time I was getting my life back on track, my husband had moved on. I had hit rock bottom. I remember sitting in my living room, thinking "This is it. I'm going to end it right here". I called my best friend and she got out of bed and rushed to my house in her pajamas, to sit with me until my mom could come. There were many weeks that both my parents would stay with me at night, making sure I was able to make it to work and somehow stumble thru the day. It was during this time that I found a wonderful Christian counselor. She lovingly led me back to where I was meant to be. In my Father's arms, where the true healing would begin. Craig had heard about my separation from my ex and he began to call me every day. Most days i wouldn't answer and I would rarely reply to his texts, yet he continued waiting patiently. He even volunteered to help me get my motorcycle, and bought my helmet and jacket so that i would have "top of the line protection". I remember praying fervently to God during this time, to open my heart, allow forgiveness, and allow love to take over. I'm so glad he heard me! In February of 2009, Craig and I had a long 4 hour conversation that would begin to change our worlds. It was then, for the first time, that he ever told me he loved me and that he was sorry for all that had happened. And it was then that I was able to open my heart, forgive him and truly start to forgive myself. We spent the next day together and he held me while I cried and grieved over the life that should have been with us. The next thing that happened, still to this day, amazes me. My parents had never really forgiven Craig for his part in what had happened, which was one of the reasons I felt that he and I could never have a relationship. Craig went to both my Mom and Dad and asked for their forgiveness. God worked a miracle. They accepted him with loving, open arms. Finally, I was where God wanted me to be. I wasn't running from a past. I was turning to my Father who forgives and heals. He replaced the pain and shame with love and hope. So, that brings us to present day. Craig and I were married July 18, 2009. We chose July because that is when our baby would have been due. (July 1, 1995). We talked about having kids and but to our amazement, after no planning, we found out in Oct of last year, that we were expecting. The due date? July 1, 2010. Amazing? We talked about our baby that was on the way and we talked about the one that was already in Heaven with Craig's mom. On December 8th, our world came crashing down again. I was at work when I began having problems. I was taken to my doctor's office and knew immediately that at 10 weeks, I had miscarried. I think I knew all along that this pregnancy wouldn't make it full term. I was anxious and fearful the whole time. I took a few days off of work and drew closer to God. I remember praying at night for God to hold me in His arms, because those were the same arms that held my babies and I could feel peace there. He began to speak to me, and after prayer and research, I began to volunteer at our local Pregnancy Care Center. The first two people I was able to witness to were abortion minded. Do I think I changed their minds? No, probably not. But maybe, just maybe, my story will speak to them sometime down the road. During this time I had also met Kate (the little girl in my wedding that died of leukemia) and her mom Susan. I found out, after my miscarriage, that Susan had also volunteered at the PCC. She had also experienced the loss of her twins at 21 weeks. I remember telling her that I thought God had put us in each other's lives because she needed me to start an IV on Kate (haha), but little did I know that I would need her support and we would help each other in so many other ways. Not long before Kate died, I remember talking to Susan about a dream I'd had: I was in the cemetery trying desperately to find her twins' marker but couldn't . All I found was a marker that read "Mason". When I told her about it, she said "You know that's your baby don't you?" I hadn't thought about it until that point. She only knew of my miscarriage, and I think she was right. But I believe that "Mason" is the child who's life I chose to end. It's not a name I would have chosen, but I do believe it is the name that God has chosen. When I looked at the meaning, "bricklayer" God began to reveal to me that Mason was the beginning brick that He would use to turn all of my "mess-ups" into beautiful mistakes. I am blessed. As I sit and write this, I am blessed beyond measure, and if God will use me, I will tell my story too. Thank you Kristi, for being so honest with your story. I stand in awe of God's amazing works. I can't wait to see how He continues to work for you. I know this was lengthy and I just typed as the words came to me, but I'm not going to proofread it. This is what God wanted me to share with you, so I'm trusting Him. Sherri
Sherri, I am still in awe of how awesome our God is and that there are no limits to His grace. Girl, He is going to use you in ways that will blow you away. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for allowing me to share it with others. I know it will touch many lives.
Kristi, You might want to grab a seat...this may be a long one. I read your post on facebook about your blog and have been following it ever since. Needless to say, the tears came quickly when I read your story. You see, mine is much the same. You may or may not remember the night that we were all out on the boardwalk in Florida talking til about midnight...I remember telling everyone that Craig and I were "childhood sweethearts". Well, the story is deeper than that. Much deeper...After reading your blog, I felt the need to share this with you. I hope you don't mind. Craig and I grew up together. We were raised in church together, spent summers playing together, shared our first kiss...We had "dated" off and on thru out high school. I had just started my first year in college and needed to interview his parents for a project in one of my classes. I went over to his house, but his parents weren't home yet. Needless to say, after a couple of years of "a little pressure", I finally gave in. One time. That's all it took. And it changed my life forever. Seven weeks later, scared and uninformed, I ended the pregnancy. My brain remembers little of that time, but my heart recalls easily. From that time on, things changed between me and Craig. There were times that I could barely look at or talk to him. I dated off and on and eventually married a guy I went to high school with. I hadn't told him about the abortion before we were married, and when he found out, he made me tell my parents. It was ugly. Horrible. And during this time i was working in labor and delivery, and had to watch as a 21 week baby died (babies less than 23 weeks typically don't survive) From there, I began to spiral downhill. I spent 2 weeks in the hospital recovering from severe depression and an eating disorder. When I was discharged, my husband had left. I finally began to get things back on track and still spoke to Craig occasionally, but could never see him for long periods of time. During this time, I felt the need to tell Craig's mom what had happened. She was an amazing saint of God and I remember her telling me that I shouldn't have had to go thru that alone. If I had only come to her, things would have been different. If only...I can't tell you how many times I say that to myself, even now.
So, during this time, Craig and I still remained in contact, but I just couldn't bring myself to face what had happened between us. We never spoke about it, and I had never allowed myself forgiveness or true healing. So, I met a surgery resident at the hospital where I work, and after 3 years of dating, we married. (In Seaside) I had told him early in the relationship about my past and he accepted me for what I was. I thought "Finally! I have what I need". Oh, I couldn't have been more wrong. I still hadn't found forgiveness, and my husband didn't believe in God. I began to talk to a few friends about my past, and began to withdraw from my husband. When he told me he was moving to Michigan for a fellowship, I crumbled. How could I leave my family? They were my rock. I couldn't leave the safety of my nest, and I felt so unworthy as a person. I began to make poor choices for myself and by the time I was getting my life back on track, my husband had moved on. I had hit rock bottom. I remember sitting in my living room, thinking "This is it. I'm going to end it right here". I called my best friend and she got out of bed and rushed to my house in her pajamas, to sit with me until my mom could come. There were many weeks that both my parents would stay with me at night, making sure I was able to make it to work and somehow stumble thru the day. It was during this time that I found a wonderful Christian counselor. She lovingly led me back to where I was meant to be. In my Father's arms, where the true healing would begin. Craig had heard about my separation from my ex and he began to call me every day. Most days i wouldn't answer and I would rarely reply to his texts, yet he continued waiting patiently. He even volunteered to help me get my motorcycle, and bought my helmet and jacket so that i would have "top of the line protection". I remember praying fervently to God during this time, to open my heart, allow forgiveness, and allow love to take over. I'm so glad he heard me! In February of 2009, Craig and I had a long 4 hour conversation that would begin to change our worlds. It was then, for the first time, that he ever told me he loved me and that he was sorry for all that had happened. And it was then that I was able to open my heart, forgive him and truly start to forgive myself. We spent the next day together and he held me while I cried and grieved over the life that should have been with us. The next thing that happened, still to this day, amazes me. My parents had never really forgiven Craig for his part in what had happened, which was one of the reasons I felt that he and I could never have a relationship. Craig went to both my Mom and Dad and asked for their forgiveness. God worked a miracle. They accepted him with loving, open arms. Finally, I was where God wanted me to be. I wasn't running from a past. I was turning to my Father who forgives and heals. He replaced the pain and shame with love and hope. So, that brings us to present day. Craig and I were married July 18, 2009. We chose July because that is when our baby would have been due. (July 1, 1995). We talked about having kids and but to our amazement, after no planning, we found out in Oct of last year, that we were expecting. The due date? July 1, 2010. Amazing? We talked about our baby that was on the way and we talked about the one that was already in Heaven with Craig's mom. On December 8th, our world came crashing down again. I was at work when I began having problems. I was taken to my doctor's office and knew immediately that at 10 weeks, I had miscarried. I think I knew all along that this pregnancy wouldn't make it full term. I was anxious and fearful the whole time. I took a few days off of work and drew closer to God. I remember praying at night for God to hold me in His arms, because those were the same arms that held my babies and I could feel peace there. He began to speak to me, and after prayer and research, I began to volunteer at our local Pregnancy Care Center. The first two people I was able to witness to were abortion minded. Do I think I changed their minds? No, probably not. But maybe, just maybe, my story will speak to them sometime down the road. During this time I had also met Kate (the little girl in my wedding that died of leukemia) and her mom Susan. I found out, after my miscarriage, that Susan had also volunteered at the PCC. She had also experienced the loss of her twins at 21 weeks. I remember telling her that I thought God had put us in each other's lives because she needed me to start an IV on Kate (haha), but little did I know that I would need her support and we would help each other in so many other ways. Not long before Kate died, I remember talking to Susan about a dream I'd had: I was in the cemetery trying desperately to find her twins' marker but couldn't . All I found was a marker that read "Mason". When I told her about it, she said "You know that's your baby don't you?" I hadn't thought about it until that point. She only knew of my miscarriage, and I think she was right. But I believe that "Mason" is the child who's life I chose to end. It's not a name I would have chosen, but I do believe it is the name that God has chosen. When I looked at the meaning, "bricklayer" God began to reveal to me that Mason was the beginning brick that He would use to turn all of my "mess-ups" into beautiful mistakes. I am blessed. As I sit and write this, I am blessed beyond measure, and if God will use me, I will tell my story too. Thank you Kristi, for being so honest with your story. I stand in awe of God's amazing works. I can't wait to see how He continues to work for you. I know this was lengthy and I just typed as the words came to me, but I'm not going to proofread it. This is what God wanted me to share with you, so I'm trusting Him. Sherri
Sunday, October 31, 2010
I just got back yesterday from AbortionRecoveryAssistance training. It was two full days plus half of another day of intense training. I have so much reading, praying and preparing to do to get ready for my first class which I am planning to start in January.
As I sat listening to the instructors, who happen to be some of the most amazing women I have ever encountered, I began to wonder how I am ever going to be able to remember all of this. I began feeling so overwhelmed but then the Holy Spirit whispered to me "just one lesson at a time beloved" and all my doubts vanished. The enemy was working in all of us there trying to discourage us and discredit us because he HATES what we are doing. He hates the fact that hurting women and men who he has under his control will be healed and restored because of what God has called us to do. This makes me angry and I will fight him and win in this battle as will the other men and women across the world who are teaming up with the Father to fight as well.
There is a letter that is all over the world right now. It is a letter that I first read last summer when I was going through the "Forgiven & Set Free" Bible study. The woman who wrote this letter wrote it in honor of her child. When I first read this it had a profound impact on me. It is a beautiful letter and what she didn't realize when she wrote it that she was being a vessel for God and that He would be using this letter to comfort women all over the world. She has since rewrote it for men. What I didn't realize until the second day of training is that the woman who wrote this was sitting right beside me during the training. She told me that it only took five minutes to write this letter and she never dreamed that God had other intentions for it. God delivered the words right to her heart.
I am closing with the letter.
A Preborn Child's Conversation With His Heavenly Father
Father God, when is my mommy going to be here?
Soon, my child, soon.
Can you tell me how long?
There is no measure of time with me, my child. She is busy right now doing the work I've given her to do. When all that is done, she'll be here.
Is she going to know me when she gets here?
Yes, she will, my child, I'll let her know.
What does she look like Father God?
Why she looks a lot like you, my child. The same hair color, the same eyes, the same nose; you resemble her a lot.
What do you think she is going to do when she sees me?
She will run to you, take you in her arms, and love you just as any other loving Mother would do.
Father God, why has she never held me in her arms before?
She never had the chance to do so my child.
Why did she never have the chance Father God?
I don't remember my child.
(This letter has a copyright)
By Della Baker Hutto
March 1994
Thank you Della, for allowing God to use you. I know this letter will have a significant impact all over the world. It is a perfect illustration of how deeply our God loves us, forgives us and remembers our sins no more. I love you Della and I am honored to be in this ministry with you.
As I sat listening to the instructors, who happen to be some of the most amazing women I have ever encountered, I began to wonder how I am ever going to be able to remember all of this. I began feeling so overwhelmed but then the Holy Spirit whispered to me "just one lesson at a time beloved" and all my doubts vanished. The enemy was working in all of us there trying to discourage us and discredit us because he HATES what we are doing. He hates the fact that hurting women and men who he has under his control will be healed and restored because of what God has called us to do. This makes me angry and I will fight him and win in this battle as will the other men and women across the world who are teaming up with the Father to fight as well.
There is a letter that is all over the world right now. It is a letter that I first read last summer when I was going through the "Forgiven & Set Free" Bible study. The woman who wrote this letter wrote it in honor of her child. When I first read this it had a profound impact on me. It is a beautiful letter and what she didn't realize when she wrote it that she was being a vessel for God and that He would be using this letter to comfort women all over the world. She has since rewrote it for men. What I didn't realize until the second day of training is that the woman who wrote this was sitting right beside me during the training. She told me that it only took five minutes to write this letter and she never dreamed that God had other intentions for it. God delivered the words right to her heart.
I am closing with the letter.
A Preborn Child's Conversation With His Heavenly Father
Father God, when is my mommy going to be here?
Soon, my child, soon.
Can you tell me how long?
There is no measure of time with me, my child. She is busy right now doing the work I've given her to do. When all that is done, she'll be here.
Is she going to know me when she gets here?
Yes, she will, my child, I'll let her know.
What does she look like Father God?
Why she looks a lot like you, my child. The same hair color, the same eyes, the same nose; you resemble her a lot.
What do you think she is going to do when she sees me?
She will run to you, take you in her arms, and love you just as any other loving Mother would do.
Father God, why has she never held me in her arms before?
She never had the chance to do so my child.
Why did she never have the chance Father God?
I don't remember my child.
(This letter has a copyright)
By Della Baker Hutto
March 1994
Thank you Della, for allowing God to use you. I know this letter will have a significant impact all over the world. It is a perfect illustration of how deeply our God loves us, forgives us and remembers our sins no more. I love you Della and I am honored to be in this ministry with you.
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