Have you ever just collided into an instant friendship with someone you just met? I am talking about the kind of friendship only God can orchestrate? It happened to me about three weeks ago during my workout. It started with a simple “Hey, you want to be my partner?”, and from there God took over. The point I knew God was in this was on a Saturday. I posted a picture on Facebook of balloons being released during the closure service of the abortion recovery Bible study that I lead. A few moments later I got a text from my new friend asking what my picture was about. I gave her the short version of how when I was 16 I became pregnant and regretfully chose abortion and that God led me to the pregnancy center to find freedom through this Bible study and that now I lead the same Bible study that set me free from bondage and then I remembered that my new friend had mentioned she was adopted and I felt compelled to give her a message...one I believe to be true. Here is the text I sent her: “Last night, when you shared that you are adopted I couldn’t help but smile. You were and STILL are so loved by your birth mom. She chose life for you and I know her choice to give you more than she could at that time was the hardest and most heartbreaking one she has ever made. What a strong and courageous woman she must be”!


Now to the part that still has me blown away by God’s goodness and how He orchestrates. My friend’s birth mom and I were pregnant at the exact same time and due in the same exact time of the month of March. Coincidence….. I don’t think so. We both likely had the same struggles, yet we both chose differently. She had courage and strength and I didn’t.

My friend has been struggling for as long as she can remember with feeling unwanted, abandoned, unworthy, unaccepted, unloved, rejected, etc. My heart literally broke for her. I believe God breaks our hearts for what breaks His and this was truly breaking His heart. I know this was one of the main reasons God put her in my life; to encourage and minister to her. She has struggled for years believing something must be terribly wrong with her emotionally and mentally and she confided in me of her pain. There was just something in me that knew her struggles were not as she thought...that it must be common with those who are adopted so I researched emotional struggles of adoption and everything I read described her dead on. I sent her several links and let me tell you....bondage has been broken from this sweet girl. She is confident that this is the root of her lifelong struggles and feels a heavy burden has been lifted from her heart. She said to me the other night, “if my birth mom really did love me and really does still think about me then why hasn’t she tried to find me’? I then explained to her that had I chosen to carry Rylee and then placed her with another family but then years later decided I wanted to find her that I would be terrified of her reaction...that she would hate me and want nothing to do with me. I told her maybe someday she will be ready to search for the woman who gave her life. She isn’t ready yet but someday I think that just might change. Until then I will continue to minister to her and when she is ready I will share with her what her birth mom was likely going through when she found out she was pregnant with her; the emotions she felt, the likelihood that there were those around her who may have been trying to convince her that there were other options than carrying her. I will then remind her again what an amazing, strong, extremely selfless woman her birth mom must be....then and now. God is just beginning to write my young friend’s love story. He is turning her misery into a ministry. I am so thankful for her friendship. I could care less that she is 16 years younger than me. She lights up any room she is in, she has the most adorable personality and I am delighted to have her friendship. I can’t wait to see how her story plays out.

P.S. My friend gave me permission to share this and I am glad she did:)

A New Creation In Christ

Once again I have experienced God claim four of his daughters back to Him, where they belong, fully and completely. Four women who are no longer in bondage, four women who are no longer suffocated by shame and guilt because that shame and guilt...are gone! Four women who were brave enough to face the shame of their past choice and bring it into His holy light of redemption where a forever healing took place. Four women who have allowed their heart to emotionally attach to their child in heaven. Four women who can now be used by Him fully and effectively to share of God’s true love and goodness and how His desire is to pour out His grace and mercy to all who have fallen short.
I know firsthand that this journey for these women was not always easy but it’s through this process I see concrete evidence of God drawing these women, His daughters, back into His perfect arms and once a person really knows what it feels like to be in His arms, and these women now know, they will never want to leave again for it’s in His arms that safety, love, contentment, belonging, and never-ending grace is found.
I just want to commend these women for trusting me but above all trusting God. Thank you for seeing this through and completing the race that was set before you. Now its on to the next race, whatever that might be. Let yourselves be used by your Father. You each have an amazing story of redemption to share whether it be to one person, small groups, large groups or just a stranger whom God may place in your path. I can promise you that there is nothing better or more fulfilling than being used by God. Remember what you have learned the past ten weeks because what you have learned will last for eternity. It’s Truth, plain and simple!
Now, go out and let your light shine bright! Love you all!
Kristi
“When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned: the flames will not set you ablaze”. Isaiah 43:2

My Beloved....

Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

I love it when the Lord gives me His sweet words. Words that He spoke when He walked the earth; words that are still as alive, powerful, and true today as they were when He spoke them. These words that He spoke came to me for a specific reason and that reason is for those of you who are holding onto guilt & shame that resulted from a painful choice you made either years ago, a year ago, or just a few months ago. I am referring to your abortion, the most heart breaking, life altering, and regretful thing you have ever experienced. This post is for you, but KNOW that it is not from me. It’s straight from the heart of God.

On Saturday, September 10th, I will be starting a new abortion recovery group but I have ran into a small roadblock. Though I have several women who I have been in contact with who want to participate, I only have one who has committed herself and her heart to the Bible study. This brings me to the reason I am writing.

This post is for every woman that has shared with me and for the ones who haven't shared with me that they too have personally experienced an abortion but you are fearful of something that will force you to bring to surface something so painful, something you tirelessly work daily to NOT think about, something that will bring about emotional feelings that you are afraid to feel. I completely understand this!
The four women in my last group understood too, but those four women and every other woman across the country and across the world who have experienced an abortion recovery group of some sort DO NOT have to fight NOT thinking about it anymore, they don’t have to worry about emotions resurfacing anymore and here’s the best part; the guilt and the shame that was weighing them down,well, it’s not weighing them down anymore. That bondage is completely gone. Forever!
Midway through my last group I asked the ladies to share what abortion recovery is doing for them and in them. Keep in mind that before we ever started they were afraid of the exact things you are afraid of. They didn't like the idea of opening old wounds that they worked daily to keep sealed but they knew what the prize would be on the other side and they knew that Jesus would walk with them and even carry them through the healing process because they believe Him when He says, "Come to ME, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens and I will give you rest". The best part is His kind of rest is permanent because His kind of rest means healing. It means FREEDOM!

Here is what the ladies shared;

"Abortion Recovery has shown me there IS freedom from the bondage of guilt and shame."

"God wants me to receive complete forgiveness for my abortion just as any sin I commit, because He has forgiven ALL of our sins through Christ. He also wants to totally break off the shame that has surrounded me all these years since my abortion. That is a tool the enemy has used to hold me back that will no longer work!"

"Jesus wants us to be free and I believe this session has played a major part in helping me identify my own freedom. Being able to open up and share with other women going through similar situations helps me to understand that I am not alone. We've laughed, we've cried, we've prayed, we've confessed, and we have gradually begun to see each other reach the place of freedom Jesus talks about when He says..."they shall be as white as snow."

The healing begins the moment you decide, once and for all, that you're tired of the guilt weighing you down, tired of the painful memories that come and never leave, tired of the hold Satan has over you and tired of that wall that you put between you and the Lord. The biggest and most difficult step is just saying yes to Abortion Recovery. Once you say yes God will do the rest. He will take it from there. Does that mean the enemy will just step aside and let you on through? I am afraid that answer is NO. You can expect him to do anything and everything he can to keep you from reaching a place of healing. You can expect attack after attack but need I remind you who wins? That's right, Jesus wins! Every single time! Satan cannot have you and you just have to keep telling him, in Jesus' name, that very fact.

Are you ready? Are you ready for that wall you have built around your heart to come crashing down; that same wall that you think is protecting your wounds?

Here is what I hear in my heart when I read Matthew 11:28:
"My beloved daughter, please turn your eyes to Me and come to Me. I watch you everyday. I see the pain in your eyes even as you try to mask it. I see your heart and all the broken pieces. Let Me make it whole again. I feel the weight of your burdens and I feel your sorrow. Let Me carry that weight and turn your sorrow into joy. Come to Me and let me heal you and restore you. I will make you new again."

To all of my sweet sisters who are reading this and know you need His healing to get through your pain, please trust Him with that pain. Let Him walk with you and even carry you to that place of healing where He so desperately wants to take you.

Don't put it off any longer. Email me at khaysfsphc@gmail.com if you are ready to say yes to FREEDOM and I will give you the details of the Bible study/recovery.

I want to end this post with a song my sweet friend Emily introduced me to when I told her of the Scripture this post came from. The song is called My Beloved by Kari Jobe.

I hope to hear from you very soon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hQRgyr5uko

God is approachable!

As I sit studying this weeks “Forgiven & Set Free” lesson I can’t help but burst with joy as I think about the last five weeks. I have five women in this group, all with different stories, but all with one goal in common; complete and lasting FREEDOM. Three of these women are very active in their church. All three with tremendous faith, yet the enemy still has them questioning whether the blood of Jesus covers the sin of abortion. They know in their heart His blood shed was for all sins but there is just something about abortion that makes post abortive women question whether His blood covers them as well. This is what this Bible study is all about. Getting to know God on a crazy deeper level, trusting Him enough to approach Him with their experience and then trusting Him to heal them and show them that YES, He sent His precious Son to the cross for them too. I sit amazed each week as we come together and they share with me and each other of what all God showed them and I am seeing it in their faces and hearing it in their voices. What I am seeing and hearing is freedom. They are finding their voices again and God has plans for each of these women and I believe that He is going to use them to share how He brought beauty from their ashes.
So I have shared with you about three of these women. I do have two other beautiful women doing the Bible study, however, one of these women recently obtained a job and works on the days we meet so we have agreed that she will participate in the Fall session. I told her to feel free to keep doing the weekly work or she could just wait and pick it back up in the fall. She has chosen to keep doing the homework which tickles me to death. What a strong and committed woman! The fifth woman was absent from our last class. I have made attempts to call her and the other participants have made attempts as well. She was the one I was worried about the most as far as trusting God with her experience and completing the class. I am praying God’s protection over her from the enemy and hope to see her beautiful face when we meet for our next class.
So here is my whole point for writing today. I know I have post abortive women who read my blog who are still afraid to come out of the dark. I am asking these women to search for the courage to step into His light and trust Him. Yes, His forgiveness is enough but there’s still bondage. There is still healing to be done. Trust Him and trust me. Next group starts in September.

One loved Momma right here!

Can I just bore you for a moment and share how blessed I am to be the mother of two thoughtful boys. They are both so different in the ways they show their love for me. Bailey tends to the little things that mean so much to me like picking up around the house, running some of my most hated errands now that he’s 16 and the one I think I love the most is the way he demands that his little brother respect me. Nothing sets Bailey off more than when his momma is disrespected. I love this about him. He stands up for and protects me which tells me that he is going to be a great husband. He not only stands up for me but he also stands up for his beliefs. He loves God! He strives to live a life that is pleasing to God. This makes this momma a happy one!

Jared, on the other hand, shows his love in complete other ways. While he is not one who picks up after himself unless, of course, there are privileges at stake, he is one who shows his love in much different ways, ways that are profound and really touch my heart.

If you have read my post about Jared setting Rylee’s brick in an area of my flowers then you have seen into the heart of this young man. Well I am writing today to tell you that he has done more work in this area. He told me yesterday while I was home for lunch that he had Grandma helping him with something. My heart just smiled at the selfless act this little man was in the process of doing.

As I was finishing things up at work for the day he called me and told me he had a surprise for me when I got home. I had a hunch of what I might find when I got home but I hurried home anyway.

Here is what I found.
He planted some flowers!
What a sweet, sweet boy! He can be such a little smart mouth but on the other hand he is the kindest kid I know. He was working in his garden when I got home. I walked over to him and gave him a bear hug and thanked him. I told him that I bet his big sister smiled down on him as he worked on her memorial spot and said, “that’s my little brother!”. I love that Jared takes time to do these things for me and even more so that he thinks so much of her that he wants her to be remembered as someone who though isn’t here with us she is a part of our family.

God has blessed me and just keeps pouring out His blessings upon me. I am married to the sweetest man on earth and we have two gorgeous boys. Is life always perfect in the Hays household? Of course not, but we live each day out together and Wayne and I are raising our boys with moral values and integrity and to serve and love God in the hopes they will take these things with them throughout their lives. We want them to be used by God in mighty ways.

So that is the reason for this post, to just brag about these two boys and how they continue to blow my mind!

Victory And Loss

Things were so crazy last week so I am just now able to share the events of said week. Most of what occurred are crazy amazing while some are heartbreaking. Tuesday March 15th is a day that will forever be imprinted in my mind. It was both a day of victory and a day of sorrow. Before I proceed to tell you about Tuesday let me back up to Monday. Monday is my day to volunteer at the center. While I was still at work I got a call form Hattie telling me of a young woman who called wanting to know if we performed abortions. After visiting with this woman briefly, Hattie was able to convince her to come to the center later that day. Hattie asked if I could meet with this woman. Of course I said yes. I arrived at the center around 4:00 knowing that at 4:30 I would be counseling this young woman. Well, 4:30 turned into 4:45 which turned into 5:00 and still this woman had failed to show up. I sat behind the counter and stared at the appointment book at this woman’s name and phone number. I felt God encouraging me not to give up. I picked up my phone and typed out a short message and sent her a text. I simply said that I was really hoping for a chance to visit with her and asked if I could possibly call her. She replied saying she just couldn’t come for the fear of being judged but that I could call her. I replied and told her, no judging here just love.

I waited until I got home to call her. She had one of the sweetest voices I have ever heard, so scared yet so tender. She told me she can barely support her two year old and didn’t know if she could support a second child as well. There were other reasons discussed but for her protection I will skip sharing those. I told her that we could provide her with the help she needed to address those reasons. She also told me she did not want to see an ultra sound of her baby because she knew if she did abortion would become less of an option. We talked for a while and I shared with her my story and assured her that though she felt she was in a hopeless situation that we had the resources to help her. I was able to gain her trust and as we hung up I explained to her that Hattie would be contacting her the next day and would be offering to set her up with an ultrasound. I asked her to do me a favor and take Hattie up on this offer. She said she would.

Now onto another big part of this crazy week;

I got a message from my “Miracle in March” woman late Monday night. She proceeds to tell me that she is on the phone with a friend who is extremely upset about an appointment she has the next day. Her appointment is for her abortion. Our conversation goes on and eventually I get an ok to contact this friend the next day.

I am able to finally speak with her at the time she is to be walking out the door to leave for her appointment and as I am talking to her I am praying for God to speak my words for me. We talk for a while and thankfully I am able to get her to postpone her abortion. At the same time my “Miracle in March” woman is on her way to the center when I call her and tell her that her friend has possibly postponed her abortion. She immediately turns her car around and goes and picks up her friend and brings her to the center with her. I took early lunch and headed to the center myself. I finally get to meet my “Miracle in March” woman and also get to visit with her friend. Her friend also got to speak with Teia. Teia shared with her how we can help her and that we also have other resources who can help her. We just wanted her to know that what seemed like a hopeless situation to her was in fact not hopeless at all.

Well here is the outcome of both stories;
All three women mentioned above were at the center and all three will have stories to tell.

The first woman whom I was supposed to meet with Monday afternoon and instead spoke with on the phone came into the center that Tuesday and met with Hattie. She not only chose to keep and parent her baby, she also chose a life with Jesus and He is now her Savior. I had the privilege of taking this woman to her ultrasound later that day. What an awesome thing to be a part of as I watched God pour out His joy into this sweet woman’s heart as she saw and heard her baby’s heartbeat for the first time.

My “Miracle in March” mom is marching on. She found out she has been accepted into Nursing School and she is hoping that just maybe God will bless her with a baby girl.

I wish I had better news to share about the third woman but I don’t and I will just leave it at that. I know all involved who counseled this young woman did all God had us to do. She knows that we will continue to be there for her and walk her through the difficulties that her decision will bring.

Before I close, I am happy to share that because of River Valley Abortion Recovery support class there is now another woman who walks in freedom from the regretful choice she made a few years ago. It was really neat to watch as God healed her more and more week after week. God restored her. Her arms are no longer aching for the baby she never held. Her pain and suffering were brought before God and He forgave her, He dried her tears and helped her let go. To God be the glory for the things He has done, is doing, and will continue to do through this ministry.


Preparation is already underway for the next class which will start on May 7th. I still have room for more participants. If you are reading this, and you know you need healing from a past abortion and you know this class is exactly what you need, please contact me and let’s talk. My phone # is 479-462-6826 and my email address is khays002@centurytel.net.



Until next time......

A Miracle In March

It was Tuesday March 8th and I was getting ready to call it a day at work. I glanced at my cell phone and saw that I had missed a call from Hattie, my PHC co-worker. I listened to the message she had left me telling me to call her as soon as possible. I immediately returned her call for I knew and felt it was urgent. For some reason, a God reason, she was still at the center after closing for the day. It was 4:05 when the phone rang. She contemplated not answering it, but she did and it’s a woman who is pregnant and has already made her appointment for an abortion. Hattie visits with her on the phone and answers this precious woman’s questions. Before the phone call ended Hattie mentioned to her my name and the fact that I have experienced abortion. Hattie asked her if she would like to speak with me and praise God she said YES! I immediately started praying asking the Holy Spirit to be my every thought and my every word.

I didn’t call her until I got home. I will admit that when I called her and got her voicemail I was a little worried that she might not return my call so I sent her a text telling her I looked forward to hearing back from her and would be waiting. Thirty minutes later she called and we had a lengthy conversation. Her hopes were that I would tell her that its ok if she has the abortion. She wanted to hear me say that life would go on as normal. She did not hear what she was hoping to hear. I shared with her that she would not be ok and that life as she knows it would never be the same. I told her of how my life was turned upside down, how the enemy had put blinders on me and then ripped them away once I had gone through with the abortion, how I remembered and still remember when my daughter’s birthday comes around, how I still sometimes wonder what she would be studying in college right now, and how I will probably always feel that something is missing in my life. Yes, I shared with her that I walk in freedom today but it took me years to get there. I told her of the women who are still in unbearable pain years after their abortion. This sweet woman cried as she told me she just didn’t know if she could love this baby. She has a 7 year old child so I asked her if she loves her child and she said yes. I asked her if she would die for her child and she said yes. I then told her that she would feel the same exact way about the child she is carrying. I told her that her son is already a big brother and she is a mother of not one child but two.

She asked me if I regret the choice I made when I was sixteen and I said every single day but that I also know that my child is waiting for me and I will see her again one sweet day.


Before the call ended I asked her to consider doing something. I asked her to cancel her appointment at the abortion clinic for now. At least until she is able to have an ultrasound. I didn’t expect her to answer me one way or another. I just wanted her to consider what I was asking.

We ended the call and I did the only thing I knew to do. I prayed. I pleaded with God to show Himself to her, to hold her in His arms and whisper to her how much He loves her, to remind her that she is not alone and will not go through this alone and to tell her of the plans He has for her and this precious one she is carrying.


The next day I knew she had an appointment at the center with Bonnie and that an ultrasound would be scheduled for her. I continued to pray throughout the day and then Emily emailed me and said, “She’s here! Be praying!” I immediately got a prayer chain going. The next three to four hours were the longest I have ever experienced as I just waited. She was in with Bonnie for almost three hours. During that time there was multiple people praying. Teia had also got her an ultrasound appointment and this woman would be leaving the center and be heading straight to her appointment for her ultrasound and also to see a doctor.

At approximately 3:25PM on March 9th of 2011 I received a text from Emily, who got to go with her by the way, that said and I quote, “She’s keeping it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” To say I was ecstatic doesn’t even come close to what I was feeling. God performed a miracle and I got to be a part of it. I will never forget this day! I will never forget how awesome it was to be a part of this amazing woman choosing life for her little one. I pray that God will use me and my sisters at the center many more times.

I spoke with this woman last night and the first thing I noticed is that there was something different in the sound of her voice. I heard peace in her voice. I heard God in her voice. She shared with me that she experienced God like she has never before on this day.

What a happy day! One more thing I want to share. As she visited with the doctor who happens to be an OB/GYN she mentioned the fact that she doesn’t have a doctor and hated the idea of trying to find one. This doctor told her he would be her doctor! Before she left she made her next appointment. Thank you God, for doctors like this sweet godly man.



So as I close, I ask that you keep this woman in your prayers. Yes, God is drawing her close to Him but she is still very fearful of what her future holds. Satan lost the battle but he will continue to try to attack her. I believe God has some crazy awesome plans for this woman and the child she is carrying. What a testimony she now has! Pray with me for this woman.

I will keep you posted as her story unfolds.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.



And to this sweet woman I just want to encourage you to keep drawing close to God. I am so thankful that He put you in my life and in the lives of the other women at the center. We are going to be there with you every step of the way. More importantly, God is with you always! He’s there even on the days you cant feel Him. He’s there. And I was serious; I want to know when the baby arrives. I want to be there with you and its pretty safe to say that Emily will be there too. Walk with Him and during times when you just can’t walk He will carry you.

1 Corinthians 6:16-20 (The Message)

16-20There's more to sex than mere skin on skin. Sex is as much spiritual mystery as physical fact. As written in Scripture, "The two become one." Since we want to become spiritually one with the Master, we must not pursue the kind of sex that avoids commitment and intimacy, leaving us more lonely than ever——the kind of sex that can never "become one." There is a sense in which sexual sins are different from all others. In sexual sin we violate the sacredness of our own bodies, these bodies that were made for God-given and God-modeled love, for "becoming one" with another. Or didn't you realize that your body is a sacred place, the place of the Holy Spirit? Don't you see that you can't live however you please; squandering what God paid such a high price for? The physical part of you is not some piece of property belonging to the spiritual part of you. God owns the whole works. So let people see God in and through your body.



It took me entirely too long to “get”, I mean really get, what the above verses mean and just how intensely important the message its giving us. As I was speaking to the awesome high schoolers from First Baptist in Van Buren last night I told them that I wanted them to “get” it before they left there. I have looked and looked at this passage, especially verse 18. Paul is not merely suggesting that we flee from sexual immorality. He isn’t saying, “hey, it might be a good idea if you stay away from sexual immorality”. He is outright commanding it. He is giving us a very clear warning! There really is no other sin that does to the mind, the body, the soul and the heart what sexual sin does. A year ago I sent out a private message on facebook to about fifty of my high school friends and asked one simple question; did you wait for marriage to have sex? If you did are you glad you waited and if you didn’t do you regret it? Of course the ones who waited did not regret waiting. In fact, they said it was so worth the wait. What broke my heart were the responses of the ones who didn’t wait. The pain, the regret and the shame was still there even after all of these years and that just proves that God is serious about what He tells us about sex outside of marriage. He created it to be an amazing and beautiful thing and it is when it is within the safe boundaries of marriage. Outside of marriage sex is devastating, heart breaking and nothing good. As I spoke last night I searched the faces of each one. I believe God has given me discernment when it comes to reading facial expressions as I speak. I could definitely see that there were some who are still very pure in the eyes of God. But I also saw the faces of a few of the girls and what I saw all over their broken faces was shame, guilt and regret. I saw the hearts of these few as well and what I saw was brokenness. I offered them hope, hope that can only be found in Jesus. I made sure that each one there last night knew and believed that Jesus will absolutely heal their hurting heart and wounded soul and will restore them back to how it was meant to be. God did his thing last night, just as He always does.

With all that said, when I first totally submitted myself to God three years ago, I was really focused on talking to teens but then as I got deeper into the abortion recovery ministry I felt that God no longer wanted me to focus so much on teaching sexual integrity so I somewhat put it on the back burner but now, after this past week, with speaking last night, and starting Chastity Challenge with two girls at the PHC, God is lighting a fire within me for this ministry again. Truth is, it is badly needed. These kids are totally missing a huge picture and its simply because they just don’t know. Why are we not taking the time to talk with them? Why are we not taking the time to show them and educate them? Why are parents so afraid to just be real with their children? These kids just need to be equipped and informed of what it’s all about and as I visit with these teens, especially the girls, well mainly just the girls, I am finding that they simply just don’t understand. They are out there thinking they have it all figured out when in fact they don’t and their spirit is being shattered in the process. Girls want a hero, they want a prince and the fairy tail but what they are not getting is that Jesus is that Hero, He is their Prince. He is all they need and the only Source of love they so desperately want. Instead they keep searching, going from guy to guy, looking for fulfillment that they will not find. So, these are precisely the reasons why I will continue to speak to teenagers whenever I have the opportunity to do so. At first I really didn’t know that I could speak on both abortion recovery and sexual purity but God is helping me to see that with Him in control that all things are possible so I am trusting Him and I will follow Him where ever He leads me.

Search me, God, and know my heart.

Psalm 139:23-24
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.



What can I say, I have prayed this A LOT lately and trust me God is searching and He is finding anxiousness and offensiveness in my heart. Satan is throwing situations my way that are frustrating and oh so annoying. Nothing major but in a sense it is major because the enemy is succeeding with his plan to take my focus off of God and the things and people that are most important to me. What’s worse is that I have been allowing this to happen. I was warned of this and I have read over and over again of how the enemy is out to ruin those who are in the ministry. Again it’s nothing major. It’s the little things that irritate me and then after time the irritation gets to a boiling point and before I know it I find myself totally missing opportunities that God lays before me. So here is what I am going to do from this point on; I am going to start each day by asking God to search me and to know my heart and to point out any bitterness within me. Once He searches me and shows me I am then going to lay it before Him and just allow Him to take it off my hands. And through the day should something arise that will no doubt annoy me then I just ask that He will jolt me, with force if needed, before it even gets to that point. There is nothing I want more than for the end of the day to come and hear God whisper to me, “your thoughts and your actions were pleasing to me today daughter, well done”. From this day on, I will no longer allow the actions or the words of my co-workers get to me. I will no longer allow that idiot driver who drives in the slow lane or pulls out in front of me cause me to sin with ungodly thoughts and words. I will no longer allow my 12 year old son (who is just like me by the way) push my buttons to the point I am yelling at him. Is this all going to be hard? Uh, yeah, it is but this is something God has so been convicting me with and I just want my every thought and my every action to please Him and honestly, here lately, He has not been pleased with this daughter. I realize that I am being pretty gutsy by making these declarations and no doubt I will fail at times but this is something God has really been showing me lately and I have to be obedient and I will be obedient.

So as I close, I just encourage anyone who is reading this, do you struggle with this same thing? I pray that you pray the above verses each day and just see what happens.


Until the next post....:)

So I am so overwhelmed with excitement today that I must share!



Yesterday, as most of you know, was Sanctity of Human Life Sunday. I had the opportunity to share my testimony at Evangel Temple in Fort Smith. I shared the pain of my abortion and then shared the freedom I now have because I took Jesus by the hand and allowed Him to carry me through the healing process. I shared last night the significance of the abortion recovery program and how this Bible study is God breathed. I also invited the women of this beautiful church who are in pain from their own abortion to feel free to come speak to me after the service but if that would be too hard for them then to please contact me through the center.
After the service, I was approached by a beautiful daughter of God. With boldness she told me that she needs recovery. PRAISE GOD! She knows God has forgiven her but she is still in pain from her choice. She will be in one of my future groups!

I also received a call Saturday night from a member of 1st Baptist in Van Buren telling me of a young woman who is also hurting from an abortion. I was put in contact with this sweet woman and was able to talk with her about my experience and she shared her pain with me. She is not a believer yet so I was able to share with her who exactly Jesus is and why He was put on this earth. She feels she is unworthy of His love because of what she did. I got to share with her the unconditional love that God has for her and that He sent Jesus to the cross for all sins, including her abortion. His blood, His death is sufficient for ALL who call upon His name and believe. She will also be joining a future “Forgiven & Set Free” study. I just ask for all who are reading this to please lift her up in your daily prayers. Jesus is after her heart and I do believe He is going to get it.

So much is already happening in 2011. I get the privilege of going back to South Side Baptist in Alma this Sunday to share my testimony. Next month I am going back to my home church, First Baptist Van Buren, and will be speaking to the youth. There is just no better place to be than in the will of God. Is it easy for me to tell my story in front of crowds? No, it really isn’t, but I have the Holy Spirit of God who carries me through and amazing things are happening in many lives. I give all the glory to God. I want to leave you with one of my favorite quotes which was given to me by a precious friend when God was working in my life and I was struggling with what He was calling me to do.

“No matter what happens, no matter what obstacle, no matter what challenge, you have a faithful Father who has called you and will enable, equip, and provide you with everything you need to do His will.”

Thank you Michelle, for sharing this with me. It has given me strength, courage and hope more times than I can count. I keep it taped to my computer so I am reminded of this truth every day. Thank you for continuously being a prayer warrior for me.

Sanctity of Life. Then and Now.

I will never forget when I realized the significance and the meaning of Sanctity of Life. It was one day in January of 1991. My mom and I were making a run to the mall and we always took the Grand Ave. exit. As we approached Central Christian Church something caught my eye. Hundreds of crosses littered the property of the church. Then something else caught my eye. It was an explanation as to why the crosses were there. They were placed in the ground to memorialize the babies that were aborted the previous year. It then became painfully clear that one of those crosses represented my baby whose life I chose to end just five months earlier. It was also at that time that I came out of the relief and denial stage of what I had done. Anger set in. Anger at this church for making me feel like I had no heart, anger at the doctor who referred me to the abortion clinic, anger at the abortion clinic for not counseling me or offering an ultra sound so that I could see that there was indeed a life growing inside of me, anger at my parents for not having the faith that we could still make it with a baby, anger at the father for abandoning me and making me feel like I had no choice, but most of all I was angry at myself because in the end the choice was mine. I chose to end the life of my child.

I could have told my parents that I wanted to keep her. I could have ran out of that abortion clinic and never looked back. I could have told that doctor “no thanks” when he gave us the number to the clinic and I could have certainly made it just fine without the father’s support but I didn’t do any of these things and I was left to deal with the consequences of the choice I made. The “what ifs” didn’t matter anymore.

It was on this day that I made a mental note that this was a day that was recognized every year so I made sure the following years to turn my head when driving by this church thinking as long as I didn’t see it then I could pretend it was just another day. I also learned which Sunday my church would be recognizing Sanctity of Life and I would make sure I was sick on that day.



But today I walk in freedom all because of a living Savior. Jesus is my Hero and I am His daughter. A daughter who He loves so much that He shed His blood for me and its that blood that has been washed over me and has cleansed me of my painful choice. Yes, Jesus hung on that cross and died an excruciating death so that I would be forgiven of all my sin, even for choosing to end the life of my unborn daughter. There’s a song out right now by Tenth Avenue North called “You Are More”. The lyrics speak specifically to the women who have made painful choices in their past and it offers hope and redemption through the love of Christ. The following words are my favorite part of the song because I know firsthand that these words stand true.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to
This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
you are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
you are more than the problems you create,
you’ve been remade.


I have been remade. God dried my tears and took the broken pieces of my heart and carefully and perfectly mended those pieces into a perfect clean heart with no evidence that it was ever broken

Today when Sanctity of Life comes around I don’t feel pain anymore. Instead I feel His love as He holds me close and I will march on and run the race God has called me to run and I will do this until its completion, whenever that might be.

He will wipe every tear from their eyes.....

So I am literally just a few short weeks away from the first AR group. I have four who will be taking this precious journey with our mighty God and I am praying He might send a few more my way before the Bible study begins. I think about and pray for these four women continuously. My prayer is that they will let God have complete control of their lives through this healing process. I know that with Him in control that the healing they receive will be complete and whole and they will be forever free from the bondage of their abortion.

One of these four just recently became a daughter of God by accepting Jesus Christ as her personal Savior, Rescuer and Hero. I look forward to watching her grow, along with the other women, in her relationship with the King.



Revelation 21:4

4 “He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”



I think about this verse and to me it’s a perfect verse for this Bible study. I remember Jesus there with me as I did the study and I could feel His presence as He dried my tears and comforted me and told me that I would mourn no more. He reminded me over and over that I no longer had to carry this burden. It was His to carry now. Allowing Him to fully carry it was very difficult for me to do because I had held onto to it for so long and lets face it I am a pretty stubborn person and I don’t give in easily. I also felt that giving it all to Him would make me feel guilty and that I would forget about my child but that’s not what happened at all. I think about her daily but now when I think about her it isn’t with sadness, its with gladness. She loves me and I know she is awaiting my arrival to my eternal home. When I think of her now I see a smiling child. I see happiness. My prayer is that each woman by the end of this journey will experience the ultimate power of God’s grace. The amount of healing they receive depends heavily on the role they allow God to take in their healing. An invitation to Him is required. He is a gentleman and will not force His way in.



With all that said I have to close with a great story. If you have read all of my blog then you saw the portion I wrote about the brick. The one that has Rylee’s name and the year she died etched on it. It was on a Sunday a few months ago that Jared was making plans of outside jobs for the day. He mentioned to me that he was going to work on getting her brick laid. We already had discussed where we were going to place it so I gave him the go ahead to work on it. I had actually planned on helping him but that did not go down as planned. I will remember this day for the rest of my life. A few hours had lapsed since he initially told me he was going to try to place her brick in its final destination and if I am being honest I had forgotten in those few hours. I decided I had better go outside to check on him. I walked across the deck and as I walked down the steps I looked down. My breath was taken away as I studied what I was seeing. Jared had completely cleaned out the little area beside the steps that held mulch, dead flowers (that I had killed) and weeds (that I couldn’t kill) and replaced it with fresh dirt from his tilled up garden site. In the corner laid the brick. He mounted the dirt up in the area of the brick just like we had discussed and he planted the brick where it would be flush with the dirt. As Spring gets closer we will plant little girly flowers around her brick and upon Jareds request we will place a little solar landscape light there so that there is light shining there every second of every day.


Yes, Jared is a strong-willed and stubborn 12 year old boy but he has a heart the size of Texas. He didn’t have to take the time to prepare the place for her brick but he did. That’s just who he is and I know his big sister is very proud of him for this selfless act. Thank you baby boy for all you do.



In closing, I ask that you include these four women in your prayer time. Each of them will be going through a series of emotions for the next 10 weeks. Each will be under attack by the enemy. Each will, at some point, want to bail because they will feel that it is just too much to bear. Please pray that each will remember that Jesus will be there to bear it all for them. This will be a very emotionally, mentally and physically draining time in their life BUT spiritually they will be filled. They will know God in a way they have never imagined. They will see Him in a whole new light. They will feel His love like never before. They will fall in love all over again with their Savior, their Rescuer and their Hero. Oh, how He loves them! They are getting ready to see just how much!



Merry Christmas to you all! May 2011 bring you many blessings!

Sherri's story

When our family went on vacation this past summer we met a beautiful couple who was staying in the condo right behind us. If I am being honest I’m pretty sure we fell in love with their dogs before we fell in love with them. We saw them in passing almost every day as the boardwalk to the beach was in the backyard of where we stayed. One night we all sat on the boardwalk under the beautiful Florida sky and visited until after midnight. What I didn’t know is that God was once again intertwining lives, mine and Sherri’s. All of us who have facebook became friends with each other. I have been in contact with Sherri via facebook and email since our vacation. When I post on my blog I have no idea who will take the time to read it but I do believe that God sees to it that the ones who need to read it will read it. A few nights ago I was on my Itouch and realized that I had not checked my yahoo email in a while. This email account is one of three that I have and it’s the one that gets the most junk mail so I don't check it much. So I bring up my account and start scrolling through all the messages and I come across one that says “a bond we share” and I see the email address and recognize it as Sherri’s address. I opened it and began reading and my heart just sank. I know I did not breathe the whole time I was reading it. When I finished reading it I had to go back and read it again. Her story is one you read only in novels. I emailed her after I read it but told her I had no words. I was just so overwhelmed with emotion that I had to let everything process before I could reply back to her. The next day I came to work and sat at my computer and emailed her. I asked her if she would mind me sharing her story on my blog. She gave me the ok providing I didn’t use her or her husband’s last name or tag her as there are still loved ones who do not know her story.



Sherri, I am still in awe of how awesome our God is and that there are no limits to His grace. Girl, He is going to use you in ways that will blow you away. Thank you for sharing your story and thank you for allowing me to share it with others. I know it will touch many lives.







Kristi, You might want to grab a seat...this may be a long one. I read your post on facebook about your blog and have been following it ever since. Needless to say, the tears came quickly when I read your story. You see, mine is much the same. You may or may not remember the night that we were all out on the boardwalk in Florida talking til about midnight...I remember telling everyone that Craig and I were "childhood sweethearts". Well, the story is deeper than that. Much deeper...After reading your blog, I felt the need to share this with you. I hope you don't mind. Craig and I grew up together. We were raised in church together, spent summers playing together, shared our first kiss...We had "dated" off and on thru out high school. I had just started my first year in college and needed to interview his parents for a project in one of my classes. I went over to his house, but his parents weren't home yet. Needless to say, after a couple of years of "a little pressure", I finally gave in. One time. That's all it took. And it changed my life forever. Seven weeks later, scared and uninformed, I ended the pregnancy. My brain remembers little of that time, but my heart recalls easily. From that time on, things changed between me and Craig. There were times that I could barely look at or talk to him. I dated off and on and eventually married a guy I went to high school with. I hadn't told him about the abortion before we were married, and when he found out, he made me tell my parents. It was ugly. Horrible. And during this time i was working in labor and delivery, and had to watch as a 21 week baby died (babies less than 23 weeks typically don't survive) From there, I began to spiral downhill. I spent 2 weeks in the hospital recovering from severe depression and an eating disorder. When I was discharged, my husband had left. I finally began to get things back on track and still spoke to Craig occasionally, but could never see him for long periods of time. During this time, I felt the need to tell Craig's mom what had happened. She was an amazing saint of God and I remember her telling me that I shouldn't have had to go thru that alone. If I had only come to her, things would have been different. If only...I can't tell you how many times I say that to myself, even now.

So, during this time, Craig and I still remained in contact, but I just couldn't bring myself to face what had happened between us. We never spoke about it, and I had never allowed myself forgiveness or true healing. So, I met a surgery resident at the hospital where I work, and after 3 years of dating, we married. (In Seaside) I had told him early in the relationship about my past and he accepted me for what I was. I thought "Finally! I have what I need". Oh, I couldn't have been more wrong. I still hadn't found forgiveness, and my husband didn't believe in God. I began to talk to a few friends about my past, and began to withdraw from my husband. When he told me he was moving to Michigan for a fellowship, I crumbled. How could I leave my family? They were my rock. I couldn't leave the safety of my nest, and I felt so unworthy as a person. I began to make poor choices for myself and by the time I was getting my life back on track, my husband had moved on. I had hit rock bottom. I remember sitting in my living room, thinking "This is it. I'm going to end it right here". I called my best friend and she got out of bed and rushed to my house in her pajamas, to sit with me until my mom could come. There were many weeks that both my parents would stay with me at night, making sure I was able to make it to work and somehow stumble thru the day. It was during this time that I found a wonderful Christian counselor. She lovingly led me back to where I was meant to be. In my Father's arms, where the true healing would begin. Craig had heard about my separation from my ex and he began to call me every day. Most days i wouldn't answer and I would rarely reply to his texts, yet he continued waiting patiently. He even volunteered to help me get my motorcycle, and bought my helmet and jacket so that i would have "top of the line protection". I remember praying fervently to God during this time, to open my heart, allow forgiveness, and allow love to take over. I'm so glad he heard me! In February of 2009, Craig and I had a long 4 hour conversation that would begin to change our worlds. It was then, for the first time, that he ever told me he loved me and that he was sorry for all that had happened. And it was then that I was able to open my heart, forgive him and truly start to forgive myself. We spent the next day together and he held me while I cried and grieved over the life that should have been with us. The next thing that happened, still to this day, amazes me. My parents had never really forgiven Craig for his part in what had happened, which was one of the reasons I felt that he and I could never have a relationship. Craig went to both my Mom and Dad and asked for their forgiveness. God worked a miracle. They accepted him with loving, open arms. Finally, I was where God wanted me to be. I wasn't running from a past. I was turning to my Father who forgives and heals. He replaced the pain and shame with love and hope. So, that brings us to present day. Craig and I were married July 18, 2009. We chose July because that is when our baby would have been due. (July 1, 1995). We talked about having kids and but to our amazement, after no planning, we found out in Oct of last year, that we were expecting. The due date? July 1, 2010. Amazing? We talked about our baby that was on the way and we talked about the one that was already in Heaven with Craig's mom. On December 8th, our world came crashing down again. I was at work when I began having problems. I was taken to my doctor's office and knew immediately that at 10 weeks, I had miscarried. I think I knew all along that this pregnancy wouldn't make it full term. I was anxious and fearful the whole time. I took a few days off of work and drew closer to God. I remember praying at night for God to hold me in His arms, because those were the same arms that held my babies and I could feel peace there. He began to speak to me, and after prayer and research, I began to volunteer at our local Pregnancy Care Center. The first two people I was able to witness to were abortion minded. Do I think I changed their minds? No, probably not. But maybe, just maybe, my story will speak to them sometime down the road. During this time I had also met Kate (the little girl in my wedding that died of leukemia) and her mom Susan. I found out, after my miscarriage, that Susan had also volunteered at the PCC. She had also experienced the loss of her twins at 21 weeks. I remember telling her that I thought God had put us in each other's lives because she needed me to start an IV on Kate (haha), but little did I know that I would need her support and we would help each other in so many other ways. Not long before Kate died, I remember talking to Susan about a dream I'd had: I was in the cemetery trying desperately to find her twins' marker but couldn't . All I found was a marker that read "Mason". When I told her about it, she said "You know that's your baby don't you?" I hadn't thought about it until that point. She only knew of my miscarriage, and I think she was right. But I believe that "Mason" is the child who's life I chose to end. It's not a name I would have chosen, but I do believe it is the name that God has chosen. When I looked at the meaning, "bricklayer" God began to reveal to me that Mason was the beginning brick that He would use to turn all of my "mess-ups" into beautiful mistakes. I am blessed. As I sit and write this, I am blessed beyond measure, and if God will use me, I will tell my story too. Thank you Kristi, for being so honest with your story. I stand in awe of God's amazing works. I can't wait to see how He continues to work for you. I know this was lengthy and I just typed as the words came to me, but I'm not going to proofread it. This is what God wanted me to share with you, so I'm trusting Him. Sherri

I just got back yesterday from AbortionRecoveryAssistance training. It was two full days plus half of another day of intense training. I have so much reading, praying and preparing to do to get ready for my first class which I am planning to start in January.
As I sat listening to the instructors, who happen to be some of the most amazing women I have ever encountered, I began to wonder how I am ever going to be able to remember all of this. I began feeling so overwhelmed but then the Holy Spirit whispered to me "just one lesson at a time beloved" and all my doubts vanished. The enemy was working in all of us there trying to discourage us and discredit us because he HATES what we are doing. He hates the fact that hurting women and men who he has under his control will be healed and restored because of what God has called us to do. This makes me angry and I will fight him and win in this battle as will the other men and women across the world who are teaming up with the Father to fight as well.

There is a letter that is all over the world right now. It is a letter that I first read last summer when I was going through the "Forgiven & Set Free" Bible study. The woman who wrote this letter wrote it in honor of her child. When I first read this it had a profound impact on me. It is a beautiful letter and what she didn't realize when she wrote it that she was being a vessel for God and that He would be using this letter to comfort women all over the world. She has since rewrote it for men. What I didn't realize until the second day of training is that the woman who wrote this was sitting right beside me during the training. She told me that it only took five minutes to write this letter and she never dreamed that God had other intentions for it. God delivered the words right to her heart.

I am closing with the letter.

A Preborn Child's Conversation With His Heavenly Father

Father God, when is my mommy going to be here?

Soon, my child, soon.

Can you tell me how long?

There is no measure of time with me, my child. She is busy right now doing the work I've given her to do. When all that is done, she'll be here.

Is she going to know me when she gets here?

Yes, she will, my child, I'll let her know.

What does she look like Father God?

Why she looks a lot like you, my child. The same hair color, the same eyes, the same nose; you resemble her a lot.

What do you think she is going to do when she sees me?

She will run to you, take you in her arms, and love you just as any other loving Mother would do.

Father God, why has she never held me in her arms before?

She never had the chance to do so my child.

Why did she never have the chance Father God?

I don't remember my child.

(This letter has a copyright)
By Della Baker Hutto
March 1994

Thank you Della, for allowing God to use you. I know this letter will have a significant impact all over the world. It is a perfect illustration of how deeply our God loves us, forgives us and remembers our sins no more. I love you Della and I am honored to be in this ministry with you.

"She" is all around us.

In just two short weeks I will be in Greenville, SC and I will spend two and a half days being trained for the role of my lifetime. I am still in complete awe that God enlisted me for this role. Through Him I will not fail.



It became all to clear to me last night just how many women there are whose hearts are breaking from the pain, shame and guilt of a decision they made years ago. These women are right under are noses. They work with us, they sit in the pews of our churches, they stand in line behind us at the super markets, their children have play dates with your children. Truth is we cross paths with these hurting women every single day. She may live next door to you. She is likely sitting beside you in the Bible study you are currently doing. She is a deacon’s wife. She is possibly even your best friend. She has stopped at nothing to live life as if it never happened. Bottom line is this–she is hurting and she thinks she has no choice but to stay bonded to her heart breaking mistake until the day she dies. She needs to know that God is waiting. He is waiting for the day she cries out to Him. Then and only then will He take her in His arms and lead her to complete restoration.

Psalm 147:3 tells us that He will heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds. I can tell you that this is exactly what He will do, no matter what we have done and no matter how bad it may seem. We just have to be willing to allow Him to come in and do His handiwork.



Does your heart and soul need healing that Can ONLY come from God? I ask you, what are you waiting for? Let Him in.

Forgiveness

Colossians 3:13
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.

In my first post I wrote about being angry. While I eventually got over that anger and thought all was ok and all was forgiven, God reminded me that I still had some forgiving to do and I also had some forgiveness to ask for. The past year has been full of forgiving and asking for forgiveness. At the beginning of 2010 God really began piercing my heart where forgiveness is concerned. It began with me locating Rylee's biological father and her fraternal grandparents. While I never actually found her father I did find his wife and his parents. Here's the thing, I owed his parents a huge apology for the way I behaved as a result of the anger I felt towards Rylee's father. 19 years ago, at the one year anniversary of my abortion, a friend of mine and I got drunk and I was just downright mad and I wanted to do something about it. I wanted to hurt Rylee's father. So my friend and I got on the phone and called his parents up not knowing that they had no clue what had happened a year before. When we hung up I felt like I had gotten my revenge but it sure didn't make me feel like I thought it would and that's relieved. It didn't make me feel any better but only worse.
So now we are back in 2010 and I was on a search. A search to find the forgiveness that I so desperately wanted. I found Rylee's grandfather on Facebook so I sent him a detailed message apologizing to him and her grandmother for two things; for my part in causing their son to stumble in his faith and for the very rude phone call my friend and I made that night. I went on to tell him of all the wonderful things God was doing in me and through me and I also asked him to give his son a message from me. I asked him to please let him know how sorry I was for the hurt I caused him and also that I had forgiven him for the hurt he caused me. He replied back to me the sweetest message telling me that both he and his wife had already forgiven me and they told me how proud they were of me for allowing God to come into my life and use it for His glory. I cannot tell you how good it felt to forgive and know that I was forgiven.
I have not had the opportunity to speak to Rylee's father yet but I am hopeful. I have spoken to his wife and I will say that he is richly blessed to have her. What an amazing, forgiving and understanding woman of God! I want to tell her, if she is reading this, that I will never forget the kindness you have shown me through this road to closure. Thank you.

As I close this post I encourage you that if you need to forgive someone or if someone needs to forgive you then please swallow your pride and forgive whoever you need to forgive. Go to that person. Yes it may hurt a little but it is so worth it. Begin by asking God to soften your heart towards that person and then go to them.

James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

Isaiah 53:4-6

4 Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God, a punishment for his own sins! 5 But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed. 6 All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’’s paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all.


Isaiah 54:4-8

4 “Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood. 5 For your Creator will be your husband; the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth. 6 For the Lord has called you back from your grief—— as though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband,” says your God. 7 “For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with great compassion I will take you back. 8 In a burst of anger I turned my face away for a little while. But with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,” says the Lord, your Redeemer ".

These verses perfectly sum up my life. WOW! Thank you Jesus for taking the burden of my sins, even my abortion.



So now I want to get you up to speed on everything that has happened in 2010. God is rocking my world something great!

In February my husband and I made a trip to see Clay and Christi in Alabama. Clay is the youth minister as well the worship leader in their church. He was holding a purity event for his youth and asked me to come share my testimony along with statistics I had researched regarding premarital sex, teen pregnancy, abortions and STD’s just to name a few. I will be honest and tell you that I felt like I completely tanked big time. Yes, most of that was the enemy telling me this but I think some of it may stem from the fact that I was not completely ready to stand up in front of people with a microphone sharing my story.

The next few months were pretty quiet. It got to a point where I said, “Ok Lord what now?” I decided to contact some churches by mailing my testimony and telling them about my ministry. I mailed ten letters out and one of the churches I contacted was Southside Baptist in Alma. I mailed the letters in the middle of May and a few weeks later I received an email from the preacher of Southside telling me that he had just received my letter that very day. My first thought was, man that took a while to get there. I found out later that there was a reason behind that. What I didn’t know was that the young women of this church were in the middle of a Bible study called Captivating and at the end of this study there would be a banquet as a way to end the study. When I mailed these letters the plans for their banquet were already in place. They already had a guest speaker as well. What they didn’t know was that this speaker would have to cancel. More about that shortly. So Aaron, the pastor, in his email to me asked me if he could pass along my letter to a young woman in his church who happen to be the one leading the young women through this Bible study. Her name is Avery and little did she and I know God was orchestrating yet another amazing friendship. We finally get in contact with one another and here is a breakdown of how the events came about;

On a Tuesday Avery goes to the pastor in a panic telling him her speaker canceled for the banquet. She asks, no begs, him to help her find someone.

Wednesday my letter finally makes it to their mailbox after floating around for two weeks. The pastor sends me an email asking me if he can hand it over to Avery.

Thursday, Avery and I meet for the first time and marvel in the awesomeness of our God and how He orchestrated everything leading up to that moment. I don’t guess I have to tell you that I was asked to speak at this banquet. I also don't believe for one second that the events that led up to this moment were just a coincidence. God's hand was all over this. I also made several life long friends through this. So the banquet came and I spoke candidly for the first time about my life before, during and after my abortion but I could not have accomplished this without the Holy Spirit guiding me and speaking through me. Did I change someones life that night? I honestly don't know but what I do know is that God knows and that's all that matters. I do what He calls me to do and He does the rest.

Avery and I at the "Crowning Creation" banquet


So here is what has happened since that precious evening in late June. I am still volunteering at the center weekly but in February I will no longer meet with clients but instead I now have a much different role to fill. When I decided to no longer volunteer anymore little did I know that God was in fact preparing and working in the hearts of Teia and myself to become involved with the abortion recovery the center offers. I am now actually on staff at the center as the Abortion Recovery Facilitator. I will be leading the very same Bible study that I was a part of last summer. I will be flying to South Carolina at the end of October for training where I will be trained and equipped with the tools to help my Father with healing of hurting women. I will be helping them to find their voice again. To say that I am excited is a complete understatement. I am beyond crazy ecstatic! I know that I know that I KNOW this is precisely where God wants me. I am so very honored that He chose me, ME! I am on such a high that I can't stand to be around myself sometimes. Anyway I will continue to blog about my journey. I ask that all who read this please pray with me for the women that God will put in my path, for complete healing for these women. And yes I do know that the enemy will be working overtime against me but know that he has a huge fight on his lying hands and that I got King Jesus on my side and we already know Who comes out the Winner. Thank you JESUS!

Psalm 91:14-16
The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them My salvation."

And He just keeps touching my life...

So I ended my last post with my best friend Christi moving away. At this time it was fall of ‘08. We stay in constant contact and we still make a point to see each other at least once a year. I promise you that just because she is no longer present in my everyday life she is still very actively working in my life with our Father and I in hers. SO Fall soon turned to Winter and God was still at work. He enlisted others close to me, one being my sweet sister-in-law Karla. She called me one day and told me of an article she read in Focus on the Family about a woman who had experienced an abortion and she was now sharing her story. Here’s the thing, Karla knew of my abortion and even knew of the vision I had 11 years earlier. What she didn’t know was that I had fully submitted myself to God’s calling. Needless to say this was just one of many “signs” to come.

So I want to share a little more about this crazy awesome Bible study on Esther. I can remember like it was just yesterday sitting and listening to Beth Moore teach this Bible study. Each week brought more and more Divine Intervention. As Beth spoke her words it was as if it was God speaking those words to me. I could no longer deny what God was doing in my life. Through this study God showed me that no matter what our past consists of, no matter what horrible mistakes we made, and even no matter if we were one of the “good girls” that He has work for us all. He can use us and will use us in some mighty ways to bring glory to His Kingdom BUT we have to be willing. We have to say yes and then trust Him to do the rest. Once we fully submit to His will He will open the doors and lead us through those doors.

So as the study came to a close I began to share with other friends what God was doing but I was still very cautious in doing so as I still was not in a place of comfort in sharing my dark past. I also contacted Teia once again through email and told her I was ready to meet with her and here is what she replied; “Lot's of good things happening in the Center...God is sending HIS people to us for such a time as this.” Here is the kicker; I had not mentioned anything to her about the Bible study I was currently doing. Teia had no idea how these words had changed my life but oh God did! I was absolutely loving how He would throw little things like this by letting me know that He was working it all out. As I read Teia’s words I must have sat and stared in such AWE for several minutes. God was telling me, “Ahh sweet child, because you have submitted yourself to me I will show you time and time again that I am working in you and through you”. WOW! To say I was blown away would be an understatement.


I met with Teia in June of ‘09. I told her that I felt strongly God wanted me to be a part of the center by volunteering. She shared with me about the center and the services they offer. We discussed my abortion and where I thought I was in the healing process. I told her that I knew I was forgiven and that I had forgiven myself. She then proceeded to tell me about an abortion recovery group that the center offers called “Forgiven & Set Free” which explains one very important reason why God led me there. She told me that as a volunteer I would encounter women who are post abortive and that it wouldn’t be right to share with them about this service without me going through this study myself. She asked if I would be willing to go through this Bible study and I of course said yes. I will never forget what she shared with me about this study. She said “it is not easy to get through but it will set you free and it will allow you to be transparent when sharing your abortion experience”. Those words kept replaying in my mind and I couldn’t wait to start. I was ready to be set free fully from the bondage of my abortion.


The group started in June of 09. The facilitator of this group at the time was Angie Ramsey. She was also the director of client services at the center. This was a ten week study that consisted of lots of scripture reading, lots of writing and it forced me to go back to that day and remember.

Remembering something that traumatic was very difficult. This process was the most draining thing I have ever done. To try to remember a time in your life that you worked so hard to forget was something next to impossible. But God was right there as I tried to remember. He gently took me back to that day, to that time in my life and lovingly helped me to remember the details and the emotions. Remembering that day and writing it all down allowed me to do something I had not been able to do and that was to grieve. This was about the second or third week of the study and as I finished this step I collapsed on my bed, face in my pillow and cried. But I wasn’t alone. God was there. I felt Him. I felt His presence like I never have before. That night I was fully out from under the bondage of my abortion. My chains were gone. I was free. God brought beauty from ashes. I believe He allows us all to make bad choices because He desires and wants us to learn from them. He wants us to take something precious from our mistakes and to use those experiences to help others who need hope and to find beauty from their ashes. In saying that, we all need to be so careful on how we express our views and opinions on abortion. You would be surprised if you knew how many women are hurting from abortion. According to the Guttmacher Institute 43% of all women by the age of 45 have had at least one abortion. That more than likely means that you know someone who has experienced an abortion. Abortion is a shameful thing and women who have experienced it are more than likely dealing with the pain in complete solitude. Women who have had an abortion are not allowed by society to grieve for their child because it was, after all, their decision so what right do they have to mourn their child? I can tell you that most women miss their child everyday and given the chance to go back they would do it differently.

At our next meeting as we shared what God had done since we last met I shared with this group of four wonderful and courageous women the progress that had been made. Angie asked us what we hoped God would reveal to us in the coming days. I knew exactly what my hope was but it was something that I had never allowed myself to think about because I knew I would never really know for sure and up to this point I guess I really didn’t want to know. I had a desire to know whether I have a son or a daughter whom I would see again one day. I wanted to name my baby as well. I felt I needed this in order to have complete closure.

God did not fail me. In fact He gave me more than I asked for. He gave me glimpses of her. He put her in my dreams. I know without a doubt in the world that I have a daughter and I know that I will see her one day. She will know me and I will know her. I know that she forgave me and I would like to believe that she often ask Jesus “how much longer until I will see her?” I can picture Him responding “soon my child soon”.

Once I knew that I have a daughter I asked the Lord to help me name her. One name repeatedly came to my mind. I looked up the meaning of this name and the only meaning I could find was it means rye. I spent time looking at other names that had meaning but the same name kept flashing in my mind. It took some time for me to realize that this may very well be the name she wanted. That this could possibly be the name she is called in Heaven. I took the hint and named her Rylee Nicole. A few days after this revelation I was at home on my lunch break and Wayne came home. He was sitting at the computer desk as I told him of the gift God had given me. He didn’t say anything as he grabbed me, with tears in his eyes, and held me in his arms. Later I told Wayne that Angie was making certificates with our baby’s name on it. I struggled with asking him about what last name to give Rylee. He told me that as far as he is concerned Rylee is his and that he would love it if I gave her his name. I had never felt so loved and adored in all my life as I did in that moment. Wayne adopted Rylee. She is as much his as she is mine.

Her brick paver that will soon be a part of my garden.

At our last group meeting we had a closure service. We each were given the opportunity to honor our child. I wrote a letter to Rylee. To close the ceremony we let balloons go. Each representing our child.

The group ended early fall of ‘09. I was now a volunteer at the center and met with a client each Monday.. One important thing I learned through my journey of healing is how vital purity is. Through my healing process I was able to take back all those parts of myself I had given away to others before my husband. I am now 100% his. I didn’t realize for a long time that I wasn’t giving him all of me. But when I think back, in the first ten years of marriage he had maybe 50% of me. I held back from giving my whole self to him because parts of me were still haunted by what I gave to others before him. Did our marriage suffer as a result? Yes it did. But I didn’t know how to let it all go at that time. Wayne never held anything over my head. He never once brought up that I gave myself to other guys. I always wondered what he was thinking though. Did he wonder if he measured up? Did he wonder if he was good enough? Did he wonder if he satisfied me? This killed me. It made me feel awful for him because I wanted so badly to be only his. The next five years improved. As God continued to heal me I grew closer to my husband. I was closer to being all his.

I can say now that I am 100% his. I am no longer damaged goods.

As a result this sparked a fire within me to be a voice for purity and what God says about it.

In late Fall I, along with my friends Michelle and Melinda, started planning a purity retreat for our sweet girls of our youth. Michelle and I went to Lifeway and planted ourselves on the floor in the teen section and scanned over many different books and Bible studies. Together we bought about a dozen books and Bible studies and compiled them all together into one Bible study. The retreat was in late December and we had 16 girls partake in this precious time. All 16 girls pledged to God and their future husband a life of purity until they married. I have complete faith that each of these girls meant what they vowed and they understand the consequences and the rewards in the choices they make now and in the future.

Do I keep up with these young ladies and hold them accountable? You bet I do! And do they maybe get a little mad at me? Probably but I do it because I love them and want God’s very best for them. I also do so as non-evasive as I possibly can so that they know I do it in love and forgiveness and not in condemnation.

I want to end this post with, in my opinion, one of the most important verses in the Bible.

In 1 Corinthians 6:18 Paul tells us to “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.”

I cannot express enough how true this verse is. Any other sin we commit we can almost always forget about and let ourselves off the hook for but sexual sin is not that way. It sticks like glue with us, especially women. I thank Jesus for taking that sin from me. He will take it from you too if you allow Him.

For such a time as this"~ These few words that Mordecai spoke to Esther are the same words that God used to speak to my heart. It was during Beth Moore's Bible study on Esther. I was in a season in which my precious Father was patiently holding out His loving hand asking me to come with Him. I knew exactly where He wanted to take me. At this point I had known for 11 years where He would be taking me. I think I was just hoping He would forget and choose someone else.
During this study I could hear God's sweet voice all throughout my head, heart and soul. I eased my way to this door He had opened but I was scared to walk through it. It wasn't because I would be walking into the unknown, rather I was walking into the known. I had already seen how He planned on using me to bring glory to His kingdom and quite frankly I was terrified. But I did it! I walked through that awesome door and took His hand to my destiny.

20 years ago at age 16 I had an abortion. My life since has been the biggest roller coaster. I was a Christian at the time. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I saw my circumstances at that moment and didn't think about what would happen later. I was desperate and just wanted it to go away and move on. I am not going to go into a lot of detail but I will tell you moving on did not go as planned. Depression, anger, guilt, denial, blame etc., I dealt with them all. Bottom line is it was 100% my choice. I do not blame my parents because the truth is had I not been having premarital sex they would have never have had to be put in that position. Did I partially blame them at first? Yes. And did I partially blame the father? For sure! But that's what happens most generally with abortion, you just can't admit the truth.

I found a way to adjust to life after my abortion. Like most girls I did my best to go through the motions of life. I looked fine on the surface but my heart was breaking. I was falling apart on the inside. My body longed for the life I once had inside of me. I ached for my precious baby. At the same time I was so angry. I wanted to hurt the ones who hurt me. The roller coaster of emotions was almost too much to handle. I wanted so badly to turn to God. You see I knew He was right there. He never left me. He waited, waited for me to just take His hand so He could forgive me and heal me and restore my soul and my heart. He wanted to but He wasn't going to force me.
Eventually I got to the point where I would turn to Him but I wouldn't go to Him. Not yet.

Shortly after graduation I started dating the man whom I have been married to now for 16 years. We spent many hours talking about my abortion. He helped me to realize that I need to forgive myself before I would ever feel the forgiveness of the Lord. So I did this. I slowly started to let myself off the hook. Pretty soon we married and had our two very sweet and handsome boys. Three weeks after I had my youngest son Jared I became very ill with massive blood clots and my chances of survival were slim to none. The doctors did what they could to save my life and then it was just a wait and see deal. I was in ICU for three days and had a Divine Intervention from my God. I felt His presence like never before. He revealed to me His plan and I told Him YES! Yes Lord I will do this! I didn't really know what to do next so when I was able I just started writing. I wrote about my abortion. I wrote about my life after my abortion. I only shared with one person what God had revealed to me because I still felt nowhere near safe with telling anyone else. It took ten years before God started to move again. And boy, moving He has done and IS still doing.

It started with a young couple moving to Alma in the Spring of '08. Clay became the youth pastor at my church and his wife Christi became my best friend almost over night. God's hand was in this friendship long before Christi or I ever knew. I shared with her early on my story and told her what I felt God was leading me to do and let me tell you she and God went to work. She allowed Him to use her in some pretty awesome ways. He worked in her and through her in the orchestrating of His plan. It started with a book she gave me called "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. Through this book God spoke loudly and clearly to me. And then there was Christi's encouragement that went miles and miles in pushing me towards the destiny God had planned out. Next, when the director of the Fort Smith Pregnancy Help Center made plans to come and speak at one of our women's ministry events my best friend urged me to go with her and check out what this pregancy center was all about. I didn't want to go but I did. When Teia, the director, spoke about the center I wasn't really hearing her because God was speaking to me again, telling me that this center was going to be a big part of my future. I could barely breathe as I sat there listening to Teia talk about this amazing ministry. I walked away that night knowing that I would soon be contacting Teia. I emailed her my testimony the next week and she replied telling me "to be praying about How God might use me in this ministry". I felt like the time just wasn't right to pursue this so I just put it on the back burner for awhile.

A few months later my best friend and her family moved back to Alabama. They were only with us for six months but in that six months God brought together a friendship that would last a lifetime. I can honestly say that He brought them here so that God could use Christi, a willing vessel, to bring me closer to Him and to His plan. (Thank you Christi for being willing).

In the spring of '09 is when some pretty awesome things started happening but I will have to save the sweet details for my next post. Stay tuned.....