Isaiah 53:4-6

4 Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God, a punishment for his own sins! 5 But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed. 6 All of us, like sheep, have strayed away. We have left God’’s paths to follow our own. Yet the Lord laid on him the sins of us all.


Isaiah 54:4-8

4 “Fear not; you will no longer live in shame. Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you. You will no longer remember the shame of your youth and the sorrows of widowhood. 5 For your Creator will be your husband; the Lord of Heaven’s Armies is his name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth. 6 For the Lord has called you back from your grief—— as though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband,” says your God. 7 “For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with great compassion I will take you back. 8 In a burst of anger I turned my face away for a little while. But with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,” says the Lord, your Redeemer ".

These verses perfectly sum up my life. WOW! Thank you Jesus for taking the burden of my sins, even my abortion.



So now I want to get you up to speed on everything that has happened in 2010. God is rocking my world something great!

In February my husband and I made a trip to see Clay and Christi in Alabama. Clay is the youth minister as well the worship leader in their church. He was holding a purity event for his youth and asked me to come share my testimony along with statistics I had researched regarding premarital sex, teen pregnancy, abortions and STD’s just to name a few. I will be honest and tell you that I felt like I completely tanked big time. Yes, most of that was the enemy telling me this but I think some of it may stem from the fact that I was not completely ready to stand up in front of people with a microphone sharing my story.

The next few months were pretty quiet. It got to a point where I said, “Ok Lord what now?” I decided to contact some churches by mailing my testimony and telling them about my ministry. I mailed ten letters out and one of the churches I contacted was Southside Baptist in Alma. I mailed the letters in the middle of May and a few weeks later I received an email from the preacher of Southside telling me that he had just received my letter that very day. My first thought was, man that took a while to get there. I found out later that there was a reason behind that. What I didn’t know was that the young women of this church were in the middle of a Bible study called Captivating and at the end of this study there would be a banquet as a way to end the study. When I mailed these letters the plans for their banquet were already in place. They already had a guest speaker as well. What they didn’t know was that this speaker would have to cancel. More about that shortly. So Aaron, the pastor, in his email to me asked me if he could pass along my letter to a young woman in his church who happen to be the one leading the young women through this Bible study. Her name is Avery and little did she and I know God was orchestrating yet another amazing friendship. We finally get in contact with one another and here is a breakdown of how the events came about;

On a Tuesday Avery goes to the pastor in a panic telling him her speaker canceled for the banquet. She asks, no begs, him to help her find someone.

Wednesday my letter finally makes it to their mailbox after floating around for two weeks. The pastor sends me an email asking me if he can hand it over to Avery.

Thursday, Avery and I meet for the first time and marvel in the awesomeness of our God and how He orchestrated everything leading up to that moment. I don’t guess I have to tell you that I was asked to speak at this banquet. I also don't believe for one second that the events that led up to this moment were just a coincidence. God's hand was all over this. I also made several life long friends through this. So the banquet came and I spoke candidly for the first time about my life before, during and after my abortion but I could not have accomplished this without the Holy Spirit guiding me and speaking through me. Did I change someones life that night? I honestly don't know but what I do know is that God knows and that's all that matters. I do what He calls me to do and He does the rest.

Avery and I at the "Crowning Creation" banquet


So here is what has happened since that precious evening in late June. I am still volunteering at the center weekly but in February I will no longer meet with clients but instead I now have a much different role to fill. When I decided to no longer volunteer anymore little did I know that God was in fact preparing and working in the hearts of Teia and myself to become involved with the abortion recovery the center offers. I am now actually on staff at the center as the Abortion Recovery Facilitator. I will be leading the very same Bible study that I was a part of last summer. I will be flying to South Carolina at the end of October for training where I will be trained and equipped with the tools to help my Father with healing of hurting women. I will be helping them to find their voice again. To say that I am excited is a complete understatement. I am beyond crazy ecstatic! I know that I know that I KNOW this is precisely where God wants me. I am so very honored that He chose me, ME! I am on such a high that I can't stand to be around myself sometimes. Anyway I will continue to blog about my journey. I ask that all who read this please pray with me for the women that God will put in my path, for complete healing for these women. And yes I do know that the enemy will be working overtime against me but know that he has a huge fight on his lying hands and that I got King Jesus on my side and we already know Who comes out the Winner. Thank you JESUS!

Psalm 91:14-16
The Lord says, "I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name. When they call on me, I will answer; I will be with them in trouble. I will rescue and honor them. I will reward them with a long life and give them My salvation."

And He just keeps touching my life...

So I ended my last post with my best friend Christi moving away. At this time it was fall of ‘08. We stay in constant contact and we still make a point to see each other at least once a year. I promise you that just because she is no longer present in my everyday life she is still very actively working in my life with our Father and I in hers. SO Fall soon turned to Winter and God was still at work. He enlisted others close to me, one being my sweet sister-in-law Karla. She called me one day and told me of an article she read in Focus on the Family about a woman who had experienced an abortion and she was now sharing her story. Here’s the thing, Karla knew of my abortion and even knew of the vision I had 11 years earlier. What she didn’t know was that I had fully submitted myself to God’s calling. Needless to say this was just one of many “signs” to come.

So I want to share a little more about this crazy awesome Bible study on Esther. I can remember like it was just yesterday sitting and listening to Beth Moore teach this Bible study. Each week brought more and more Divine Intervention. As Beth spoke her words it was as if it was God speaking those words to me. I could no longer deny what God was doing in my life. Through this study God showed me that no matter what our past consists of, no matter what horrible mistakes we made, and even no matter if we were one of the “good girls” that He has work for us all. He can use us and will use us in some mighty ways to bring glory to His Kingdom BUT we have to be willing. We have to say yes and then trust Him to do the rest. Once we fully submit to His will He will open the doors and lead us through those doors.

So as the study came to a close I began to share with other friends what God was doing but I was still very cautious in doing so as I still was not in a place of comfort in sharing my dark past. I also contacted Teia once again through email and told her I was ready to meet with her and here is what she replied; “Lot's of good things happening in the Center...God is sending HIS people to us for such a time as this.” Here is the kicker; I had not mentioned anything to her about the Bible study I was currently doing. Teia had no idea how these words had changed my life but oh God did! I was absolutely loving how He would throw little things like this by letting me know that He was working it all out. As I read Teia’s words I must have sat and stared in such AWE for several minutes. God was telling me, “Ahh sweet child, because you have submitted yourself to me I will show you time and time again that I am working in you and through you”. WOW! To say I was blown away would be an understatement.


I met with Teia in June of ‘09. I told her that I felt strongly God wanted me to be a part of the center by volunteering. She shared with me about the center and the services they offer. We discussed my abortion and where I thought I was in the healing process. I told her that I knew I was forgiven and that I had forgiven myself. She then proceeded to tell me about an abortion recovery group that the center offers called “Forgiven & Set Free” which explains one very important reason why God led me there. She told me that as a volunteer I would encounter women who are post abortive and that it wouldn’t be right to share with them about this service without me going through this study myself. She asked if I would be willing to go through this Bible study and I of course said yes. I will never forget what she shared with me about this study. She said “it is not easy to get through but it will set you free and it will allow you to be transparent when sharing your abortion experience”. Those words kept replaying in my mind and I couldn’t wait to start. I was ready to be set free fully from the bondage of my abortion.


The group started in June of 09. The facilitator of this group at the time was Angie Ramsey. She was also the director of client services at the center. This was a ten week study that consisted of lots of scripture reading, lots of writing and it forced me to go back to that day and remember.

Remembering something that traumatic was very difficult. This process was the most draining thing I have ever done. To try to remember a time in your life that you worked so hard to forget was something next to impossible. But God was right there as I tried to remember. He gently took me back to that day, to that time in my life and lovingly helped me to remember the details and the emotions. Remembering that day and writing it all down allowed me to do something I had not been able to do and that was to grieve. This was about the second or third week of the study and as I finished this step I collapsed on my bed, face in my pillow and cried. But I wasn’t alone. God was there. I felt Him. I felt His presence like I never have before. That night I was fully out from under the bondage of my abortion. My chains were gone. I was free. God brought beauty from ashes. I believe He allows us all to make bad choices because He desires and wants us to learn from them. He wants us to take something precious from our mistakes and to use those experiences to help others who need hope and to find beauty from their ashes. In saying that, we all need to be so careful on how we express our views and opinions on abortion. You would be surprised if you knew how many women are hurting from abortion. According to the Guttmacher Institute 43% of all women by the age of 45 have had at least one abortion. That more than likely means that you know someone who has experienced an abortion. Abortion is a shameful thing and women who have experienced it are more than likely dealing with the pain in complete solitude. Women who have had an abortion are not allowed by society to grieve for their child because it was, after all, their decision so what right do they have to mourn their child? I can tell you that most women miss their child everyday and given the chance to go back they would do it differently.

At our next meeting as we shared what God had done since we last met I shared with this group of four wonderful and courageous women the progress that had been made. Angie asked us what we hoped God would reveal to us in the coming days. I knew exactly what my hope was but it was something that I had never allowed myself to think about because I knew I would never really know for sure and up to this point I guess I really didn’t want to know. I had a desire to know whether I have a son or a daughter whom I would see again one day. I wanted to name my baby as well. I felt I needed this in order to have complete closure.

God did not fail me. In fact He gave me more than I asked for. He gave me glimpses of her. He put her in my dreams. I know without a doubt in the world that I have a daughter and I know that I will see her one day. She will know me and I will know her. I know that she forgave me and I would like to believe that she often ask Jesus “how much longer until I will see her?” I can picture Him responding “soon my child soon”.

Once I knew that I have a daughter I asked the Lord to help me name her. One name repeatedly came to my mind. I looked up the meaning of this name and the only meaning I could find was it means rye. I spent time looking at other names that had meaning but the same name kept flashing in my mind. It took some time for me to realize that this may very well be the name she wanted. That this could possibly be the name she is called in Heaven. I took the hint and named her Rylee Nicole. A few days after this revelation I was at home on my lunch break and Wayne came home. He was sitting at the computer desk as I told him of the gift God had given me. He didn’t say anything as he grabbed me, with tears in his eyes, and held me in his arms. Later I told Wayne that Angie was making certificates with our baby’s name on it. I struggled with asking him about what last name to give Rylee. He told me that as far as he is concerned Rylee is his and that he would love it if I gave her his name. I had never felt so loved and adored in all my life as I did in that moment. Wayne adopted Rylee. She is as much his as she is mine.

Her brick paver that will soon be a part of my garden.

At our last group meeting we had a closure service. We each were given the opportunity to honor our child. I wrote a letter to Rylee. To close the ceremony we let balloons go. Each representing our child.

The group ended early fall of ‘09. I was now a volunteer at the center and met with a client each Monday.. One important thing I learned through my journey of healing is how vital purity is. Through my healing process I was able to take back all those parts of myself I had given away to others before my husband. I am now 100% his. I didn’t realize for a long time that I wasn’t giving him all of me. But when I think back, in the first ten years of marriage he had maybe 50% of me. I held back from giving my whole self to him because parts of me were still haunted by what I gave to others before him. Did our marriage suffer as a result? Yes it did. But I didn’t know how to let it all go at that time. Wayne never held anything over my head. He never once brought up that I gave myself to other guys. I always wondered what he was thinking though. Did he wonder if he measured up? Did he wonder if he was good enough? Did he wonder if he satisfied me? This killed me. It made me feel awful for him because I wanted so badly to be only his. The next five years improved. As God continued to heal me I grew closer to my husband. I was closer to being all his.

I can say now that I am 100% his. I am no longer damaged goods.

As a result this sparked a fire within me to be a voice for purity and what God says about it.

In late Fall I, along with my friends Michelle and Melinda, started planning a purity retreat for our sweet girls of our youth. Michelle and I went to Lifeway and planted ourselves on the floor in the teen section and scanned over many different books and Bible studies. Together we bought about a dozen books and Bible studies and compiled them all together into one Bible study. The retreat was in late December and we had 16 girls partake in this precious time. All 16 girls pledged to God and their future husband a life of purity until they married. I have complete faith that each of these girls meant what they vowed and they understand the consequences and the rewards in the choices they make now and in the future.

Do I keep up with these young ladies and hold them accountable? You bet I do! And do they maybe get a little mad at me? Probably but I do it because I love them and want God’s very best for them. I also do so as non-evasive as I possibly can so that they know I do it in love and forgiveness and not in condemnation.

I want to end this post with, in my opinion, one of the most important verses in the Bible.

In 1 Corinthians 6:18 Paul tells us to “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.”

I cannot express enough how true this verse is. Any other sin we commit we can almost always forget about and let ourselves off the hook for but sexual sin is not that way. It sticks like glue with us, especially women. I thank Jesus for taking that sin from me. He will take it from you too if you allow Him.

For such a time as this"~ These few words that Mordecai spoke to Esther are the same words that God used to speak to my heart. It was during Beth Moore's Bible study on Esther. I was in a season in which my precious Father was patiently holding out His loving hand asking me to come with Him. I knew exactly where He wanted to take me. At this point I had known for 11 years where He would be taking me. I think I was just hoping He would forget and choose someone else.
During this study I could hear God's sweet voice all throughout my head, heart and soul. I eased my way to this door He had opened but I was scared to walk through it. It wasn't because I would be walking into the unknown, rather I was walking into the known. I had already seen how He planned on using me to bring glory to His kingdom and quite frankly I was terrified. But I did it! I walked through that awesome door and took His hand to my destiny.

20 years ago at age 16 I had an abortion. My life since has been the biggest roller coaster. I was a Christian at the time. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I saw my circumstances at that moment and didn't think about what would happen later. I was desperate and just wanted it to go away and move on. I am not going to go into a lot of detail but I will tell you moving on did not go as planned. Depression, anger, guilt, denial, blame etc., I dealt with them all. Bottom line is it was 100% my choice. I do not blame my parents because the truth is had I not been having premarital sex they would have never have had to be put in that position. Did I partially blame them at first? Yes. And did I partially blame the father? For sure! But that's what happens most generally with abortion, you just can't admit the truth.

I found a way to adjust to life after my abortion. Like most girls I did my best to go through the motions of life. I looked fine on the surface but my heart was breaking. I was falling apart on the inside. My body longed for the life I once had inside of me. I ached for my precious baby. At the same time I was so angry. I wanted to hurt the ones who hurt me. The roller coaster of emotions was almost too much to handle. I wanted so badly to turn to God. You see I knew He was right there. He never left me. He waited, waited for me to just take His hand so He could forgive me and heal me and restore my soul and my heart. He wanted to but He wasn't going to force me.
Eventually I got to the point where I would turn to Him but I wouldn't go to Him. Not yet.

Shortly after graduation I started dating the man whom I have been married to now for 16 years. We spent many hours talking about my abortion. He helped me to realize that I need to forgive myself before I would ever feel the forgiveness of the Lord. So I did this. I slowly started to let myself off the hook. Pretty soon we married and had our two very sweet and handsome boys. Three weeks after I had my youngest son Jared I became very ill with massive blood clots and my chances of survival were slim to none. The doctors did what they could to save my life and then it was just a wait and see deal. I was in ICU for three days and had a Divine Intervention from my God. I felt His presence like never before. He revealed to me His plan and I told Him YES! Yes Lord I will do this! I didn't really know what to do next so when I was able I just started writing. I wrote about my abortion. I wrote about my life after my abortion. I only shared with one person what God had revealed to me because I still felt nowhere near safe with telling anyone else. It took ten years before God started to move again. And boy, moving He has done and IS still doing.

It started with a young couple moving to Alma in the Spring of '08. Clay became the youth pastor at my church and his wife Christi became my best friend almost over night. God's hand was in this friendship long before Christi or I ever knew. I shared with her early on my story and told her what I felt God was leading me to do and let me tell you she and God went to work. She allowed Him to use her in some pretty awesome ways. He worked in her and through her in the orchestrating of His plan. It started with a book she gave me called "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. Through this book God spoke loudly and clearly to me. And then there was Christi's encouragement that went miles and miles in pushing me towards the destiny God had planned out. Next, when the director of the Fort Smith Pregnancy Help Center made plans to come and speak at one of our women's ministry events my best friend urged me to go with her and check out what this pregancy center was all about. I didn't want to go but I did. When Teia, the director, spoke about the center I wasn't really hearing her because God was speaking to me again, telling me that this center was going to be a big part of my future. I could barely breathe as I sat there listening to Teia talk about this amazing ministry. I walked away that night knowing that I would soon be contacting Teia. I emailed her my testimony the next week and she replied telling me "to be praying about How God might use me in this ministry". I felt like the time just wasn't right to pursue this so I just put it on the back burner for awhile.

A few months later my best friend and her family moved back to Alabama. They were only with us for six months but in that six months God brought together a friendship that would last a lifetime. I can honestly say that He brought them here so that God could use Christi, a willing vessel, to bring me closer to Him and to His plan. (Thank you Christi for being willing).

In the spring of '09 is when some pretty awesome things started happening but I will have to save the sweet details for my next post. Stay tuned.....