For such a time as this"~ These few words that Mordecai spoke to Esther are the same words that God used to speak to my heart. It was during Beth Moore's Bible study on Esther. I was in a season in which my precious Father was patiently holding out His loving hand asking me to come with Him. I knew exactly where He wanted to take me. At this point I had known for 11 years where He would be taking me. I think I was just hoping He would forget and choose someone else.
During this study I could hear God's sweet voice all throughout my head, heart and soul. I eased my way to this door He had opened but I was scared to walk through it. It wasn't because I would be walking into the unknown, rather I was walking into the known. I had already seen how He planned on using me to bring glory to His kingdom and quite frankly I was terrified. But I did it! I walked through that awesome door and took His hand to my destiny.

20 years ago at age 16 I had an abortion. My life since has been the biggest roller coaster. I was a Christian at the time. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I saw my circumstances at that moment and didn't think about what would happen later. I was desperate and just wanted it to go away and move on. I am not going to go into a lot of detail but I will tell you moving on did not go as planned. Depression, anger, guilt, denial, blame etc., I dealt with them all. Bottom line is it was 100% my choice. I do not blame my parents because the truth is had I not been having premarital sex they would have never have had to be put in that position. Did I partially blame them at first? Yes. And did I partially blame the father? For sure! But that's what happens most generally with abortion, you just can't admit the truth.

I found a way to adjust to life after my abortion. Like most girls I did my best to go through the motions of life. I looked fine on the surface but my heart was breaking. I was falling apart on the inside. My body longed for the life I once had inside of me. I ached for my precious baby. At the same time I was so angry. I wanted to hurt the ones who hurt me. The roller coaster of emotions was almost too much to handle. I wanted so badly to turn to God. You see I knew He was right there. He never left me. He waited, waited for me to just take His hand so He could forgive me and heal me and restore my soul and my heart. He wanted to but He wasn't going to force me.
Eventually I got to the point where I would turn to Him but I wouldn't go to Him. Not yet.

Shortly after graduation I started dating the man whom I have been married to now for 16 years. We spent many hours talking about my abortion. He helped me to realize that I need to forgive myself before I would ever feel the forgiveness of the Lord. So I did this. I slowly started to let myself off the hook. Pretty soon we married and had our two very sweet and handsome boys. Three weeks after I had my youngest son Jared I became very ill with massive blood clots and my chances of survival were slim to none. The doctors did what they could to save my life and then it was just a wait and see deal. I was in ICU for three days and had a Divine Intervention from my God. I felt His presence like never before. He revealed to me His plan and I told Him YES! Yes Lord I will do this! I didn't really know what to do next so when I was able I just started writing. I wrote about my abortion. I wrote about my life after my abortion. I only shared with one person what God had revealed to me because I still felt nowhere near safe with telling anyone else. It took ten years before God started to move again. And boy, moving He has done and IS still doing.

It started with a young couple moving to Alma in the Spring of '08. Clay became the youth pastor at my church and his wife Christi became my best friend almost over night. God's hand was in this friendship long before Christi or I ever knew. I shared with her early on my story and told her what I felt God was leading me to do and let me tell you she and God went to work. She allowed Him to use her in some pretty awesome ways. He worked in her and through her in the orchestrating of His plan. It started with a book she gave me called "Redeeming Love" by Francine Rivers. Through this book God spoke loudly and clearly to me. And then there was Christi's encouragement that went miles and miles in pushing me towards the destiny God had planned out. Next, when the director of the Fort Smith Pregnancy Help Center made plans to come and speak at one of our women's ministry events my best friend urged me to go with her and check out what this pregancy center was all about. I didn't want to go but I did. When Teia, the director, spoke about the center I wasn't really hearing her because God was speaking to me again, telling me that this center was going to be a big part of my future. I could barely breathe as I sat there listening to Teia talk about this amazing ministry. I walked away that night knowing that I would soon be contacting Teia. I emailed her my testimony the next week and she replied telling me "to be praying about How God might use me in this ministry". I felt like the time just wasn't right to pursue this so I just put it on the back burner for awhile.

A few months later my best friend and her family moved back to Alabama. They were only with us for six months but in that six months God brought together a friendship that would last a lifetime. I can honestly say that He brought them here so that God could use Christi, a willing vessel, to bring me closer to Him and to His plan. (Thank you Christi for being willing).

In the spring of '09 is when some pretty awesome things started happening but I will have to save the sweet details for my next post. Stay tuned.....