So I ended my last post with my best friend Christi moving away. At this time it was fall of ‘08. We stay in constant contact and we still make a point to see each other at least once a year. I promise you that just because she is no longer present in my everyday life she is still very actively working in my life with our Father and I in hers. SO Fall soon turned to Winter and God was still at work. He enlisted others close to me, one being my sweet sister-in-law Karla. She called me one day and told me of an article she read in Focus on the Family about a woman who had experienced an abortion and she was now sharing her story. Here’s the thing, Karla knew of my abortion and even knew of the vision I had 11 years earlier. What she didn’t know was that I had fully submitted myself to God’s calling. Needless to say this was just one of many “signs” to come.
So I want to share a little more about this crazy awesome Bible study on Esther. I can remember like it was just yesterday sitting and listening to Beth Moore teach this Bible study. Each week brought more and more Divine Intervention. As Beth spoke her words it was as if it was God speaking those words to me. I could no longer deny what God was doing in my life. Through this study God showed me that no matter what our past consists of, no matter what horrible mistakes we made, and even no matter if we were one of the “good girls” that He has work for us all. He can use us and will use us in some mighty ways to bring glory to His Kingdom BUT we have to be willing. We have to say yes and then trust Him to do the rest. Once we fully submit to His will He will open the doors and lead us through those doors.
So as the study came to a close I began to share with other friends what God was doing but I was still very cautious in doing so as I still was not in a place of comfort in sharing my dark past. I also contacted Teia once again through email and told her I was ready to meet with her and here is what she replied; “Lot's of good things happening in the Center...God is sending HIS people to us for such a time as this.” Here is the kicker; I had not mentioned anything to her about the Bible study I was currently doing. Teia had no idea how these words had changed my life but oh God did! I was absolutely loving how He would throw little things like this by letting me know that He was working it all out. As I read Teia’s words I must have sat and stared in such AWE for several minutes. God was telling me, “Ahh sweet child, because you have submitted yourself to me I will show you time and time again that I am working in you and through you”. WOW! To say I was blown away would be an understatement.
I met with Teia in June of ‘09. I told her that I felt strongly God wanted me to be a part of the center by volunteering. She shared with me about the center and the services they offer. We discussed my abortion and where I thought I was in the healing process. I told her that I knew I was forgiven and that I had forgiven myself. She then proceeded to tell me about an abortion recovery group that the center offers called “Forgiven & Set Free” which explains one very important reason why God led me there. She told me that as a volunteer I would encounter women who are post abortive and that it wouldn’t be right to share with them about this service without me going through this study myself. She asked if I would be willing to go through this Bible study and I of course said yes. I will never forget what she shared with me about this study. She said “it is not easy to get through but it will set you free and it will allow you to be transparent when sharing your abortion experience”. Those words kept replaying in my mind and I couldn’t wait to start. I was ready to be set free fully from the bondage of my abortion.
The group started in June of 09. The facilitator of this group at the time was Angie Ramsey. She was also the director of client services at the center. This was a ten week study that consisted of lots of scripture reading, lots of writing and it forced me to go back to that day and remember.
Remembering something that traumatic was very difficult. This process was the most draining thing I have ever done. To try to remember a time in your life that you worked so hard to forget was something next to impossible. But God was right there as I tried to remember. He gently took me back to that day, to that time in my life and lovingly helped me to remember the details and the emotions. Remembering that day and writing it all down allowed me to do something I had not been able to do and that was to grieve. This was about the second or third week of the study and as I finished this step I collapsed on my bed, face in my pillow and cried. But I wasn’t alone. God was there. I felt Him. I felt His presence like I never have before. That night I was fully out from under the bondage of my abortion. My chains were gone. I was free. God brought beauty from ashes. I believe He allows us all to make bad choices because He desires and wants us to learn from them. He wants us to take something precious from our mistakes and to use those experiences to help others who need hope and to find beauty from their ashes. In saying that, we all need to be so careful on how we express our views and opinions on abortion. You would be surprised if you knew how many women are hurting from abortion. According to the Guttmacher Institute 43% of all women by the age of 45 have had at least one abortion. That more than likely means that you know someone who has experienced an abortion. Abortion is a shameful thing and women who have experienced it are more than likely dealing with the pain in complete solitude. Women who have had an abortion are not allowed by society to grieve for their child because it was, after all, their decision so what right do they have to mourn their child? I can tell you that most women miss their child everyday and given the chance to go back they would do it differently.
At our next meeting as we shared what God had done since we last met I shared with this group of four wonderful and courageous women the progress that had been made. Angie asked us what we hoped God would reveal to us in the coming days. I knew exactly what my hope was but it was something that I had never allowed myself to think about because I knew I would never really know for sure and up to this point I guess I really didn’t want to know. I had a desire to know whether I have a son or a daughter whom I would see again one day. I wanted to name my baby as well. I felt I needed this in order to have complete closure.
God did not fail me. In fact He gave me more than I asked for. He gave me glimpses of her. He put her in my dreams. I know without a doubt in the world that I have a daughter and I know that I will see her one day. She will know me and I will know her. I know that she forgave me and I would like to believe that she often ask Jesus “how much longer until I will see her?” I can picture Him responding “soon my child soon”.
Once I knew that I have a daughter I asked the Lord to help me name her. One name repeatedly came to my mind. I looked up the meaning of this name and the only meaning I could find was it means rye. I spent time looking at other names that had meaning but the same name kept flashing in my mind. It took some time for me to realize that this may very well be the name she wanted. That this could possibly be the name she is called in Heaven. I took the hint and named her Rylee Nicole. A few days after this revelation I was at home on my lunch break and Wayne came home. He was sitting at the computer desk as I told him of the gift God had given me. He didn’t say anything as he grabbed me, with tears in his eyes, and held me in his arms. Later I told Wayne that Angie was making certificates with our baby’s name on it. I struggled with asking him about what last name to give Rylee. He told me that as far as he is concerned Rylee is his and that he would love it if I gave her his name. I had never felt so loved and adored in all my life as I did in that moment. Wayne adopted Rylee. She is as much his as she is mine.
So I want to share a little more about this crazy awesome Bible study on Esther. I can remember like it was just yesterday sitting and listening to Beth Moore teach this Bible study. Each week brought more and more Divine Intervention. As Beth spoke her words it was as if it was God speaking those words to me. I could no longer deny what God was doing in my life. Through this study God showed me that no matter what our past consists of, no matter what horrible mistakes we made, and even no matter if we were one of the “good girls” that He has work for us all. He can use us and will use us in some mighty ways to bring glory to His Kingdom BUT we have to be willing. We have to say yes and then trust Him to do the rest. Once we fully submit to His will He will open the doors and lead us through those doors.
So as the study came to a close I began to share with other friends what God was doing but I was still very cautious in doing so as I still was not in a place of comfort in sharing my dark past. I also contacted Teia once again through email and told her I was ready to meet with her and here is what she replied; “Lot's of good things happening in the Center...God is sending HIS people to us for such a time as this.” Here is the kicker; I had not mentioned anything to her about the Bible study I was currently doing. Teia had no idea how these words had changed my life but oh God did! I was absolutely loving how He would throw little things like this by letting me know that He was working it all out. As I read Teia’s words I must have sat and stared in such AWE for several minutes. God was telling me, “Ahh sweet child, because you have submitted yourself to me I will show you time and time again that I am working in you and through you”. WOW! To say I was blown away would be an understatement.
I met with Teia in June of ‘09. I told her that I felt strongly God wanted me to be a part of the center by volunteering. She shared with me about the center and the services they offer. We discussed my abortion and where I thought I was in the healing process. I told her that I knew I was forgiven and that I had forgiven myself. She then proceeded to tell me about an abortion recovery group that the center offers called “Forgiven & Set Free” which explains one very important reason why God led me there. She told me that as a volunteer I would encounter women who are post abortive and that it wouldn’t be right to share with them about this service without me going through this study myself. She asked if I would be willing to go through this Bible study and I of course said yes. I will never forget what she shared with me about this study. She said “it is not easy to get through but it will set you free and it will allow you to be transparent when sharing your abortion experience”. Those words kept replaying in my mind and I couldn’t wait to start. I was ready to be set free fully from the bondage of my abortion.
The group started in June of 09. The facilitator of this group at the time was Angie Ramsey. She was also the director of client services at the center. This was a ten week study that consisted of lots of scripture reading, lots of writing and it forced me to go back to that day and remember.
Remembering something that traumatic was very difficult. This process was the most draining thing I have ever done. To try to remember a time in your life that you worked so hard to forget was something next to impossible. But God was right there as I tried to remember. He gently took me back to that day, to that time in my life and lovingly helped me to remember the details and the emotions. Remembering that day and writing it all down allowed me to do something I had not been able to do and that was to grieve. This was about the second or third week of the study and as I finished this step I collapsed on my bed, face in my pillow and cried. But I wasn’t alone. God was there. I felt Him. I felt His presence like I never have before. That night I was fully out from under the bondage of my abortion. My chains were gone. I was free. God brought beauty from ashes. I believe He allows us all to make bad choices because He desires and wants us to learn from them. He wants us to take something precious from our mistakes and to use those experiences to help others who need hope and to find beauty from their ashes. In saying that, we all need to be so careful on how we express our views and opinions on abortion. You would be surprised if you knew how many women are hurting from abortion. According to the Guttmacher Institute 43% of all women by the age of 45 have had at least one abortion. That more than likely means that you know someone who has experienced an abortion. Abortion is a shameful thing and women who have experienced it are more than likely dealing with the pain in complete solitude. Women who have had an abortion are not allowed by society to grieve for their child because it was, after all, their decision so what right do they have to mourn their child? I can tell you that most women miss their child everyday and given the chance to go back they would do it differently.
At our next meeting as we shared what God had done since we last met I shared with this group of four wonderful and courageous women the progress that had been made. Angie asked us what we hoped God would reveal to us in the coming days. I knew exactly what my hope was but it was something that I had never allowed myself to think about because I knew I would never really know for sure and up to this point I guess I really didn’t want to know. I had a desire to know whether I have a son or a daughter whom I would see again one day. I wanted to name my baby as well. I felt I needed this in order to have complete closure.
God did not fail me. In fact He gave me more than I asked for. He gave me glimpses of her. He put her in my dreams. I know without a doubt in the world that I have a daughter and I know that I will see her one day. She will know me and I will know her. I know that she forgave me and I would like to believe that she often ask Jesus “how much longer until I will see her?” I can picture Him responding “soon my child soon”.
Once I knew that I have a daughter I asked the Lord to help me name her. One name repeatedly came to my mind. I looked up the meaning of this name and the only meaning I could find was it means rye. I spent time looking at other names that had meaning but the same name kept flashing in my mind. It took some time for me to realize that this may very well be the name she wanted. That this could possibly be the name she is called in Heaven. I took the hint and named her Rylee Nicole. A few days after this revelation I was at home on my lunch break and Wayne came home. He was sitting at the computer desk as I told him of the gift God had given me. He didn’t say anything as he grabbed me, with tears in his eyes, and held me in his arms. Later I told Wayne that Angie was making certificates with our baby’s name on it. I struggled with asking him about what last name to give Rylee. He told me that as far as he is concerned Rylee is his and that he would love it if I gave her his name. I had never felt so loved and adored in all my life as I did in that moment. Wayne adopted Rylee. She is as much his as she is mine.
Her brick paver that will soon be a part of my garden.At our last group meeting we had a closure service. We each were given the opportunity to honor our child. I wrote a letter to Rylee. To close the ceremony we let balloons go. Each representing our child.
The group ended early fall of ‘09. I was now a volunteer at the center and met with a client each Monday.. One important thing I learned through my journey of healing is how vital purity is. Through my healing process I was able to take back all those parts of myself I had given away to others before my husband. I am now 100% his. I didn’t realize for a long time that I wasn’t giving him all of me. But when I think back, in the first ten years of marriage he had maybe 50% of me. I held back from giving my whole self to him because parts of me were still haunted by what I gave to others before him. Did our marriage suffer as a result? Yes it did. But I didn’t know how to let it all go at that time. Wayne never held anything over my head. He never once brought up that I gave myself to other guys. I always wondered what he was thinking though. Did he wonder if he measured up? Did he wonder if he was good enough? Did he wonder if he satisfied me? This killed me. It made me feel awful for him because I wanted so badly to be only his. The next five years improved. As God continued to heal me I grew closer to my husband. I was closer to being all his.
I can say now that I am 100% his. I am no longer damaged goods.
As a result this sparked a fire within me to be a voice for purity and what God says about it.
In late Fall I, along with my friends Michelle and Melinda, started planning a purity retreat for our sweet girls of our youth. Michelle and I went to Lifeway and planted ourselves on the floor in the teen section and scanned over many different books and Bible studies. Together we bought about a dozen books and Bible studies and compiled them all together into one Bible study. The retreat was in late December and we had 16 girls partake in this precious time. All 16 girls pledged to God and their future husband a life of purity until they married. I have complete faith that each of these girls meant what they vowed and they understand the consequences and the rewards in the choices they make now and in the future.
Do I keep up with these young ladies and hold them accountable? You bet I do! And do they maybe get a little mad at me? Probably but I do it because I love them and want God’s very best for them. I also do so as non-evasive as I possibly can so that they know I do it in love and forgiveness and not in condemnation.
I want to end this post with, in my opinion, one of the most important verses in the Bible.
In 1 Corinthians 6:18 Paul tells us to “Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body.”
I cannot express enough how true this verse is. Any other sin we commit we can almost always forget about and let ourselves off the hook for but sexual sin is not that way. It sticks like glue with us, especially women. I thank Jesus for taking that sin from me. He will take it from you too if you allow Him.
1 comment:
I just want to say that you have developed into such an amazing person. You are so strong and I know God gives you that strength, I pray for the same everyday. I only hope to have half the strength and ambition you have one day.
Post a Comment